So, you’ve finally finalized your divorce; so, doesn’t that mean that having to work on your relationship with that person is finally over? If you don’t have children (or a shared network of friends and family or other “entanglements” outside of those), then perhaps the answer is ‘yes.’ But… if you do have children (especially school-aged children), then this may be where the real challenging work comes in (at least in the beginning). The divorced couples, with children, are the ones we’ll be talking about here.
According to Anthony Charuvastra, MD, adjunct assistant professor in the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU Langone and member of its Child Study Center, “Post-divorce parenting falls into three categories: conflicted, parallel, or cooperative.”
When they’re starting out in their new arrangement, parents generally fall into the “conflicted” or “parallel” categories. As the terms suggest, “conflicted” parents are often still arguing with each other about items related to parenting, money, or the reasons that led them to their divorce, where “parallel” parents generally disconnect from each other, don’t really communicate, and don’t work with the other parent to ensure consistency between households.
In his work, Dr. Charuvastra has found that “children of divorce do best when parents are flexible with each other under changing circumstances, communicate well with each other about how they are adapting, and work together to solve new, specific challenges,” so working towards this “cooperative” parenting model, when co-parents are able, seems to be ideal (where communication is safe and doesn’t pose a risk to involved parties).
So, how do you go from a conflicted or parallel to a cooperative parenting model?
Depending on your situation, you may find that family therapy, or “parenting after divorce” classes will help you to identify the tools and methods that will work best for your family to function most effectively and get you to that “cooperative” model. Additionally, you may lay out the agreements of your parenting arrangements in greater detail, so that there is less room for misunderstandings, oversights, or inconsistencies across households. Including items such as schedules, routines, activities, screen time limits, safety protocols, and other, often overlooked items, can make all of the difference, and employing a communication app, such as “Our Family Wizard” or even just using a simple shared online calendar can help to avoid missteps.
As we’ve posted recently, the way that you go into a divorce can greatly impact the long-term relationship you have with your ex-spouse and how/how much the children are impacted (both immediately and long-term). Keeping ever-focused on the best interests of your children can drive behaviors and decisions in the right direction. Choosing divorce mediation (over traditional litigation methods) to work out your divorce, has also been showing to be very supportive of a more amicable outcome.
If you can commit to a few agreements (detailed in this wonder article from the University of Florida, “Healthy Coparenting After Divorce”), such as (to paraphrase a few):
- keeping parent-parent conflict away from the kids;
- respecting the terms of the divorce (and parenting agreement);
- communicating consistently about schedules, routines, activities, and changes;
- shielding kids from legal details of the divorce;
- not making kids the messengers or intermediaries;
- flexibility (within reason);
- honoring your child’s relationship with his/her other parent; and
- tolerating/embracing inevitable changes;
Then, you can have a “fighting chance” at making the new co-parenting arrangement as “cooperative,” peaceful, and amicable as possible — for everyone involved.
If you’re looking for more resources or information about amicable divorce and successful co-parenting options, please contact a Divorce With Dignity Provider near you.
Other Resources:
>Divorce Magazine: Successful Co-Parenting Communication After Divorce
>HelpGuide: Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents
Sources:
>Divorce, Co-Parenting & COVID-19: Challenges & Opportunities
>Healthy Coparenting After Divorce
The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice. The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned. Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions.
