Summers are full of family, friends, and kids. You and your spouse may have noticed you were having trouble, but there wasn’t time to really think about it; there were too many other things going on. Arguments and anger got pushed aside for vacations and travel. Now the kids are back at school, relatives have gone home, but the tension is still there. Now what?
Couples Therapy
If both of you agree that something is wrong and you want to hold your marriage together, now is the time to work on keeping your marriage strong. Couples therapy focuses on both of you without laying blame. Marriage is a joint effort, and if something is wrong, it’s something both of you can help repair.
Just because you love each other and want your marriage to succeed doesn’t mean you can identify the weak spots. Just as you’d need a mechanic to help troubleshoot the mysterious sound in your car, you need a therapist to help uncover the sticky areas in your marriage.
Family Counseling
Children are part of your marriage too. Some couples disagree on how to manage unruly teens. Sometimes children have their own issues and parents act out their concerns on one another. A family counselor helps everyone work through their difficulties without pointing fingers at anyone. If a child is having trouble at school, the family needs to pull together, not take it out on each other.
If a child is involved, the school counselor may be part of your therapy group. Children can be a source of family stress without anyone realizing it. Tools such as an education plan can be useful to help your child cope with whatever the problem is and ensure the family stress is kept to a minimum.
Family Mediation
Sometimes the source of stress and anger has gone beyond therapy. Some grievances run too deep to be talked out — or they involve people outside the immediate family. For instance, a spouse has been caught cheating or gambling away the family’s finances. If you’re angry but not quite ready for divorce (or unsure whether you are), mediation may be a good option.
Mediation can be the first stage of a divorce or the last step in one. It is a chance for couples to sit down with a neutral third party, discuss the problem, and make reasonable suggestions to resolve the issues. Mediation only works when all parties are willing and able to deal fairly with one another and be honest with the mediator. It is possible to resolve deep, painful issues with mediation, but everyone must be truly motivated to do so.
Is it Time for Divorce?
If things have gone too far and the pain is just too deep to resolve—or if one party cannot or will not agree to pursue other avenues—then the next step could be divorce. When there are children involved, most people agree that a divorce should be as amicable as possible. No matter what has gone on between you and your spouse, your children deserve the kindest separation you can give them.
There are ways for even the angriest of spouses to meet halfway and divorce peacefully. Now is the time to step back and consider both yourself and the kids on their way home from school.
Separation – When You’re Just Not Sure
A legal separation or trial separation is an approach used by some couples, either for religious reasons or because they’re just not sure they really want a divorce. In some states, a divorce cannot be granted until a couple has lived apart (separated). Whichever is true for you, a separation is similar to a divorce in many ways and should be handled with care.
You and your spouse will live apart, and legally you’ll have to arrange child custody and visitation. Sometimes, that’s enough for couples to resolve their problems. Once one person has left the house and the kids are taken care of, the couple may be able to co-exist quite amicably. The only thing they cannot do legally is remarry.
Separation has other drawbacks. You and your spouse are still legally a couple, so bank accounts, insurance policies, deeds, and other legal documents must be dealt with. And of course, if whatever issues existed before the separation are still there, it may be best to make the final break.
When Divorce is Best
Staying together “for the sake of the children” means that when the children are finally gone, the couple has invested twenty years or more in a home, a family, and whatever negative emotions they have kept repressed all that time. With the kids gone, those emotions come out, and not usually for the best. What might have been an amicable divorce twenty years ago is now likely anything but.
If you and your spouse can agree to disagree now, your divorce may be less unpleasant than toughing it out and pretending all is well until the last child graduates from college. Your children may have memories of parents who were present at school events and weekend sports instead of smoldering silences and fights late at night. Little pitchers have big ears, as they say, and your kids know exactly what’s going on, even if they don’t say anything – and the impacts can (and often do) last a lifetime.
The Right Way is Often the Easy Way
Many of the methods meant for salvaging a marriage can also ease your transition out of a marriage. You may learn during a counseling session that you’re just not meant to be in your marriage—and that’s okay. Your counselor or therapist can help you come to the realization that the best thing for everyone is not to “make it work” but to do the right thing for your family.
If you’re in a difficult relationship with your spouse, reach out to a DWD provider today. Many of our Providers have been where you are now. They can relate to what you’re going through, and they’re here to help no matter what you decide to do.
