Is it time to break the news?

The new year is almost upon us, and if you’ve decided to pursue a divorce, you may want to have the difficult conversation and get your divorce filed now, before the full onslaught of filings that come every January. Divorce, however, is not something to be rushed into, so taking the time to do the pre-work is far preferable to meeting a filing date target.

When you are clear and ready, and if you’re considering pursuing an amicable route, then it’s important to take steps to support that from the very beginning — when you tell your spouse that you’d like a divorce.

So, how do you break the news?

Just a couple steps back first though… Before you consider asking your spouse for a divorce, you may want to consider working with a good therapist in order to understand and process your emotions, decisions, and find your (calm) voice. Further, a divorce professional can help you to enter into your divorce with realistic expectations, and therefore, less disappointments and regret.

Next, you may want to consider what support you’ll be able to gather around yourself as you go through this process — a process that without this support system can feel very isolating and scary. Whether it’s friends, family, or a good support group, having people who have your back and can listen, offer a hug, or a place to crash in a pinch, can make all of the difference and also counter some of the less-supportive or -constructive friends and family you’ll face.

So, now that you’ve done the pre-work, and are absolutely sure that you want a divorce, choose the right time and place to tell your spouse. Conveying the decision during an argument, when the kids are around, at an event, or as another major life event (such as a job layoff, death of a loved one or a significant illness) is occurring, will not support a calm, clear, and rational discussion, and will likely only create more resentment and anger.

Here are a few more quick tips to support a productive and calm conversation that will lead into a more amicable divorce process:

• Minimize distractions. Turn off your cell-phone, ask your spouse to turn off theirs, and make sure you’re not expecting any company. Make sure the kids have appropriate, outside supervision for even more time than you anticipate.
• Plan enough time for each of you to discuss, ask questions, and provide (high-level, constructive, non-blaming) reasons, instead of just dropping the news and walking away.
• Plan and choose your words carefully. Be gentle, but firm. Don’t come into the conversation with anger, frustration, or blame. Work out your emotions with a therapist or counselor before you approach your spouse. Be gentle and compassionate, but firm. Explain how you reached this decision and be clear that there isn’t space to negotiate the decision. Make it clear that you’re not just blowing off the marriage lightly over a couple of recent issues, but that there are deeper issues that you do not feel can be resolved. You can speak at a very high level about the issues, but going into the details will inevitably lead down a rabbit hole, and is also discouraged legally and financially, unless you’ve already spoken with a divorce legal processional. When you state your reasons, make sure they’re not in the form of attacks. And yes, use those “I” statements you’ve heard all about (instead of the accusatory “you”).
• Brace for impact. This decision may come as a surprise to your spouse, so be sure to give them some time to process this significant information and be prepared for tears, outbursts, and defensive words or behavior. Be prepared to pause and resume with a professional. If things aren’t going well with the discussion, offer to pause the conversation and resume it with a divorce counselor or therapist.

Beyond how you convey your wishes, you should also be prepared to see the process through in an amicable fashion. That means committing to a few things:

• Full financial disclosure. If you can’t be open and honest about this matter, then an amicable divorce may not be possible, because you’ll be asked to share and negotiate the division of these items with your spouse. If there’s any dishonesty or hiding here, it can detrimentally impact the trust necessary to continue the amicable process.
• Taking a no-blame, reasonable, and calm engagement with your spouse. If you’re using the divorce as a way to get back at them, punish them in some way, or work out your anger, starting with counseling may be in your best interest. Steering clear of alcohol and drugs, which can heighten emotions, can be detrimental as well, so choosing to avoid those while you’re in the divorce process can be very beneficial to all involved.
• Putting your children first. Think about how each decision will affect your children (or at least your extended family and friends, if you don’t have kids). If you keep the ultimate goal in mind, to get everyone through this process as unscathed as possible, then every decision in the process becomes a little clearer.
• Giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Unless/until you have a reason to doubt what they’re stating, try to keep the peace and show you trust them, while still protecting yourself and verifying the important items, within reason.
• Holding off on dating until your divorce is final. Adding anyone else into the mix during the process can only cause hurt to at least one party, and, at-least, more complications.
• Avoiding trash-talking your spouse or engaging in hurtful gossip about them (especially around your kids). Unless you’re out to actually hurt your kids or make yourself look bad, avoid the temptation. If you need to get things off of your chest, tell it to your therapist or counselor.

In summary, remember that you’ve spent a fair amount of time with this person, have likely been through “some stuff” together — perhaps you have merged families or even brought children into the world together. Aiming to close the marriage in the same positive, loving, and respectful way as you entered into it, will help to heal and move into the next phase of your lives — perhaps even as friends.

For more information on amicable divorce, please view our other blog articles on this site and reach out to a Provider in your area.

More Info and Sources:
https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/want-amicable-divorce-follow-30-tips-cmtt/
https://www.equitablemediation.com/blog/how-to-ask-for-divorce

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