Timing Your Looming Divorce Around the Holidays

You’ve finally decided to pursue divorce — but now another holiday season is upon you. So, do you start the process now and avoid another strained sit-down dinner and forced niceties around the tree, Menorah, or Yule log — or do you wait until after the holidays? This is a tough decision that requires some soul searching on your part, as only you can answer that, based on your own situation.

Of course, if you have children, this decision is even more complex, because you have to consider the impact(s) on them. Will it bring them relief, knowing that the tension will soon be resolved, or will it bring them much sorrow and sadness added on to an already difficult year — or both? Because 2020 has been extremely challenging already, it might be preferable to let the family just have the holiday, in whatever form it is, without any additional, piled-on stress — that is, if you are currently functioning as a family and there’s no extreme emotional or physical abuse happening. Waiting to start the process after the holidays, and once you have had a chance to talk to your children and explain the situation, may be easier on everyone. Of course, if there is domestic violence or other forms of anger and harassment, then everyone will likely be better off taking action sooner rather than later.

Here’s how one couple managed it:

Ben and Melissa Williams knew they were going to get a divorce, because they were headed in completely opposite directions in their lives and had really grown apart in every way. They had tried to work it out both on their own and through many months of marital counseling, but both were extremely unhappy and felt held back in their lives. They made their difficult decision in November, because though the counseling had helped them to resolve some of the anger and resentment they had been feeling, it just wasn’t enough. Their two middle school-aged children, Brad and Jennie were not aware of their parent’s unhappiness, and now the holidays were almost here. So, Ben and Melissa agreed to hold off and wait until January to start the process. They each made a firm commitment to do their best to maintain peace, their dignity, and respect for each other and the children, and work together to make this a nice holiday for Brad and Jennie. They also decided to really downplay the presents and focus instead on spending more quality time with their children and on the festive spirit of the holidays. Brad and Jennie would, of course, get Christmas gifts, but Ben and Melissa wanted to avoid the temptation to overdo the gift giving to compensate for what the future would reveal.

It was very difficult joining with the other family members to celebrate the holidays while their looming divorce was kept private, but they did their best to participate in the family gatherings and provide Brad and Jennie a nice family holiday, free from the additional stress and fear of what the new arrangements would bring.

As hard as this delay of resolution and secrecy was, it laid the groundwork for Ben and Melissa to work together in January and start the process towards an amicable divorce. It helped give them the communication tools to be able to work with each other in a peaceful way and with a common sense of priorities.

Now, what will you do? Would you prefer to follow the path of the Williams’, or are you so unhappy that the only relief you can see would be to start the process NOW? If you need to start now, know that you won’t be alone; many other people begin their divorces during December, and you may find that this was just the relief you needed. Of course, it will be a different sort of holiday (and probably not one of your best), but it will enable you to start the new year concurrently with your NEW BEGINNING. So, choose whichever brings you peace of mind; after all, isn’t that what the holidays are supposed to be all about?