Holidays are hard for anyone having relationship troubles. If you divorced in the past year, this will be the first major holiday to navigate without your former spouse. You may have custody orders to deal with, and for the first time, maybe you’re alone when everyone else is feasting and laughing.
If you’re considering separation, Thanksgiving is the first of the tension-filled days when anger erupts over the slightest detail. Perhaps family members arrive unaware of the troubles between you and your spouse, and an innocent remark leads to shouts and tears. Or you feel you must put on a smiling front “for the children” resulting in a brittle silence at the table.
Don’t let holiday stress add to your marital tension. Take time to step back and plan your Thanksgiving holiday carefully and you and your family can get through with minimal friction. No matter what your situation, there’s no need to let divorce interfere with your turkey and pumpkin pie.
If You’re Thinking of Divorce
Despite the happy endings on Hallmark movies, couples thinking of divorce seldom rekindle the passion and solve all their problems during the holidays. It’s best if you don’t imagine a traditional Thanksgiving “just like you used to have” will fix everything. If you and your spouse can manage a nice Thanksgiving, that’s great! Do that and enjoy it, but be wary of false hopes and holiday glow.
On the flip side, remember that divorce takes a long time to file and finalize. Depending on your state, it may take several months for a final judgment, so filing before the holidays will not resolve anything. At best, you’ll have things in process, but you won’t have the final order before Thanksgiving dinner arrives.
Think about how your relatives may respond. Every family has a relative who will do their best to fix your problems, assure you that all you need is to “talk things out,” or refer you to their lawyer who will make sure that cheating so-and-so doesn’t get a dime. You and your spouse do not need the extra headaches right now. You may want support from family and friends but think carefully about when and how you announce your decision.
If you know you and your spouse will not be able to maintain civility over the holiday, which happens in some toxic or abusive marriages, consider speaking with a family counselor or mediator right away. Although divorce mediation is usually carried out when couples are actually divorcing, getting you and your family through the holidays may be a critical part of the divorce process.
If You Are Divorced
How you get through the holidays depends on whether you have children and your custody orders. Thanksgiving is the first test of many parents’ custody and visitation order. Anger, depression, and confusion are common reactions to the holidays, with or without divorce added to the mix. The first thing to remind yourself is that your emotions are normal.
Most experts recommend creating new post-divorce traditions. Whatever your “old” Thanksgiving traditions were, they will not be the same if a parent is not there, if a new spouse is part of the picture, or the kids have to spend half a day with one parent in a different location. Try something new for Thanksgiving or mingle your new tradition with your old.
If the split was amicable, consider inviting your former spouse to dinner. One word of advice, do this only if both of you can sit together for the course of the day or evening and be courteous. If either of you know you cannot, and especially if the divorce was recent, do not do this. A better option would be sending the kids over with a big plate of Thanksgiving dinner when its your spouse’s turn for visitation.
When you find yourself alone during the Thanksgiving weekend, don’t brood or mope, however tempting it may be. Find ways to enjoy being alone. Treat yourself to a nice meal out. Go to a movie or an art show. Make time to see old friends. Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on gratitude, so look for reasons to enjoy the season.
Some Things to Avoid
If you’re having marital difficulties during the Thanksgiving season, there are a few things to avoid. Don’t drink or use narcotics to excess. Don’t make grandiose holiday plans that add to your stress level. And don’t make snap decisions during the holiday season. Whatever you were planning before the holidays should remain your default decision until after you’ve had time to discuss things with a mediator or divorce attorney after the holidays.
If you do begin your divorce during the holidays, communicate with your children. Many parents opt to keep kids in the dark, believing they are protecting them or wanting to give the kids “one last holiday.” Do not do this. Your children will realize something is wrong. It’s always better to explain what’s going on.
Explain the divorce in a manner that does not involve the holiday. Don’t have your conversation around a decorated table over the remains of the turkey dinner. Instead, use a different room or another location. Keep the discussion separate from the holiday, so the kids don’t have the memory linked with their holiday memories. That way, the next year’s Thanksgiving won’t have the same associations.
Final Thoughts
Thanksgiving can be a wonderful time, the start of the holidays and the beginning of the winter season. It is also a stress-filled time by itself, with many things to plan and obligations to fulfill. For people with marital stress, it can be a turkey-strewn minefield with little to be grateful for.
The DWD Providers are here to help. Our mediators, attorneys, and legal professionals can help you navigate this stressful time without stepping on any of those turkeys. Whatever your final decision may be, we will be here while you finish cooking and have dinner. Call us when you need to talk.
