When children are involved, a divorce is not just between the two spouses; it becomes a “family divorce”. They have to cope with a lot of new feelings and concerns, and with big changes in their day-to-day lives. Seeing divorce through the eyes of children is a real necessity for divorcing parents to know how to best support their children during this difficult transition.
Most of the time, parents get information from divorce professionals, mediators, and therapists on what the divorce process is like for the children. Sometimes there are films available for the parents to view that feature these experts, interspersed with a few comments from children. Recently, however, a new film (“Split”, by Ellen Bruno) has been released that has no adults on camera – just real children talking about the effects of their parents’ divorce on them. For about half an hour, the audience hears them discuss their thoughts and feelings on the various phases of the journey – Families, Change, What Happened, Wishing, Moving On, Back and Forth, Two Homes, What Helps, Talking About It, and Life Goes On.
The website for the film calls it “A Film for Kids of Divorce (and their Parents)”. One reviewer on the website felt that seeing divorce through the eyes of children has “great power to influence parents and divorce professionals alike to do divorce better”. Kids going through their parents’ divorce may also benefit from watching it. Bruno says that her film is children talking from the heart about what it feels like to go through this experience, and that kids will listen to each other more attentively than to adults. Since almost half the children in the United States will experience their parents’ separation before the age of 16, there is a large audience for this type of film.
The children in the film (aged 6-12) also made color drawings illustrating aspects of their experience, which are turned into animated graphics intermixed with the children’s comments. Director of Animation, Gwen Gordon, says she hopes that children watching the film will know they are not alone in this situation, and that they will feel connected with others who have experienced the same things. They will hear kids like themselves expressing their pain and feelings of sadness and anger, and also sharing what has helped them through the experience.
There are common themes among the children’s comments, none that are surprising – they hate hearing their parents fight, they still hope their parents will get back together, and they often believe that somehow they are to blame for the divorce. But some of their insights are quite poignant. One girl describes divorce as “like something that you really love breaks, and you can’t put it back together again”. A boy talks about his idea of a perfect family as “the mom and dad love each other and they eat pancakes every day”, but goes on to say, “But that will never happen in the world. No one’s perfect. Nothing is perfect.” Yet, the film has a hopeful tone, with the positive message that the kids will get through this and things do get better.
When our Divorce With Dignity divorce support professionals work with divorcing parents, we take a holistic approach to the process. In addition to providing guidance through the divorce maze and taking care of getting the legal papers filed in court, we offer referrals to other support services their family may need, including support for the children. If you are a parent going through divorce, let us help you and your family get through it in the most peaceful and supportive way possible. Visit our website to find a Divorce With Dignity specialist in your area.
The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice. The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned. Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions.
