While February may be primarily associated with Valentine’s Day, the entire month tends to center itself around romance. This can be difficult for those who are newly single or experiencing a divorce, given that romance may be the last thing on your mind at this time.
However, there are many ways in which you can embrace the spirit of creative romance month for your benefit. For example, you could use this as an opportunity to get to know (or fall in love) with yourself.
Not only will this help you find peace within your divorce, but it will also help you to get comfortable and understand what you needed from your partner but did not get in your marriage. This will make it easier to enter new relationships in the future without getting caught in a cycle of miscommunication and misunderstandings.
How To Understand What You Need From A Partner.
Relationships are often transactional, meaning that when we put something in to a relationship – our focus, energy, or spirit – we also need to get something back. Understanding this is crucial when moving forward, as it’s essential that your needs – whatever they may be – are met.
Need: Adaptability.
Susan Regan, MFT, a relationship expert and coach, recently launched a podcast entitled #SoRelatable. In the first episode, she talks at length about understanding your own needs within the realms of your relationship and how they may change through different stages of your life:
“We could be asking for many different things in relationships, and those may have to do with our personality and our need and what we want, what we like, and what we’re aiming for. Those will all extend into and align with the period or chapter in our life.”
As such, Susan believes one of the most crucial things people need from a romantic partner is adaptability. An understanding that relationships change and grow alongside us, meaning that something that may have worked ten years ago may not work quite the same way it does today.
Need: Security and Safety.
There’s no denying that a sense of safety and security is essential, especially in a relationship. This is because they create “the ability to connect, to be intimate, to relax into the sense of oneness that a mutual affinity and healthy attachment can foster.”
In her podcast, Susan explores how you can determine whether or not a relationship is providing you with the security and safety you need.
Can you talk about everything? “Can you talk about successes, failures, everything in between, anything that’s difficult? Intimacy, sex, money, other relationships, and differences?
Do you trust your partner (and feel trusted)? “Trust is a big thing; it’s beyond lying and cheating. It’s about safety and integrity – and feeling like the person has as much respect or ability to tend to you as you tend to them.”
Can you maintain your independence? “There’s going to be some codependency in the relationship because the reason you are getting together is a dependency. But it’s equally important that you focus on your interdependence.”
Is there a mutual curiosity? “Curiosity helps the people in the relationship to grow and change and evolve, leading to conversations about what is needed for that person to be happy.”
Has laughter remained a present element? “One of the indicators, when things get rigid in a relationship, is that there’s isn’t enough light-heartedness, joking, playing around.”
Do you have physical intimacy (not just sexual)? “Physical intimacy, the proximity that you keep with somebody (like being able to reach out and hold their hand), is really important because, as human beings, one of our basic needs is being touched.”
Do you operate as a team? “There’s a teamwork approach needed here. How are we going to solve this? We can solve this. We want to solve this.”
Can you resolve conflict constructively? “If you haven’t been able to talk about the things that are really bothering you, and the conflict becomes hidden or open, we really want to work on how to make conflict have a solution.”
Recognizing Unhealthy Relationship Markers.
Understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship also requires us to understand what an unhealthy relationship looks like. This is something that Susan explores at length in her podcast.
Are you asking/being asked to change? “One of the biggest indicators that the relationship needs some work is whether someone is trying to change or control the other person.”
Do you have good boundaries? “Think about some of the ways you feel like boundaries are upheld well in your relationship, and some places where you think there might be some weakness and who’s doing that and what’s the boundary difference between you and your partner.”
Does your relationship feel equitable? “Inequalities could be that someone makes more money, someone has more friends, or someone has more downtime – and they have to be talked about instead of building resentment.
Celebrating Creative Romance Month
As discussed above, one of the easiest ways to get into the spirit of creative romance month is to use this time to get to know yourself and your needs a little better. Then, when you are ready to put yourself back out there, you’re ready for the whirlwind romance you’ve been waiting for.
To listen to the full podcast from Susan, click here.
