Unhappy Marriage vs. Amicable Divorce

Deciding whether or not to give up on a marriage is one of the most difficult decisions people may have to face in their lives.  But it is something most married people have probably contemplated at one time or another.  Between 40-50 percent of all first marriages end in divorce, and that rate is even higher for second or third marriages.

Every marriage has its rough spots.  When people stay in the marriage, very often it does get better, possibly even a lot better.  It takes cooperation from both parties and a great deal of effort, but totally worth it if the marriage is important to you.  The first step is to identify the underlying issues (you may need a marriage counselor to help you with this).  Honest communication is crucial.  Then you find ways to fix the problems.  Both of you must be willing to do difficult things – compromise, accept responsibility when warranted, forgive each other, and be willing to make changes.  Not easy, but possible.

Sometimes one or both of the spouses are unwilling to do these things.  And sometimes, it is just a bad idea to stay married, particularly when physical or emotional abuse has been an issue.  Or you may have tried the marriage counseling route but found yourselves at an impasse.

Even when there is no hope of making the relationship a healthy and happy one, some people still can’t make the decision to leave.  Everyone has their own reasons, but some of the more common ones are –

• Money – Fear that they may not be able to maintain the same standard of living.
• Prestige – If the husband or wife has a high-powered career or social standing, the other spouse may not want to give up the perks they enjoy that come with that status.
• Property – The couple may have acquired real estate, a business, or other property (perhaps even a pet) that neither want to give up to the other one.
• Don’t want to be like their parents – Perhaps one or both of the spouses suffered as children of divorced parents and perhaps witnessed the ugliness, bitterness, and misery that can accompany some divorces – and they don’t want to be like that.
• Religion – In some religions, divorce is highly discouraged, and some people would rather pretend to have a happy marriage than suffer the perceived consequences.
• Embarrassment or Guilt – Sometimes when a person marries someone their family did not approve of, they will stay in a bad marriage in order to not have to admit that they did indeed make a bad choice.
• Low self-esteem – A person may lack the confidence that they can make it on their own, or may feel that they are not worthy of a happy marriage.
• Fear of loneliness – There is a type of security in being in a marriage, even an unhappy one, especially if the person has no close family or friends.
• Fear of the unknown – As the old Irish proverb goes, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know”.  Better to put up with something bad than risk something worse.
• Fear of the retaliation – One spouse may have threatened the other with some form of abuse, either physical or emotional (like threatening to stalk them or make life miserable for them).
• Pressure from family or society – Some fear that they will be looked down upon if they divorce, or they feel pressure from their families to stay together.

Whatever the reasons, you have to decide if they are really worth staying in an unhappy marriage.  Perhaps a counselor or clergyperson can help you work through your feelings and options.  If all efforts to make the marriage work have failed, maybe a divorce would allow each of you to live a happier life.

One way to pave the way for that happier life after divorce is to strive for an amicable divorce, if at all possible.  The advantages of an amicable divorce (as opposed to a litigated divorce) are numerous, both during the divorce process and afterward.

While going through the divorce process, using mediation or collaboration instead of litigation will give both you and your spouse more control over the decisions, more flexibility in arrangements, and far less stress than an adversarial battle in the courts.  Mediation and collaboration are methods that are based on a commitment from both spouses to cooperate to achieve a negotiated outcome, one that is fair and acceptable to both parties.

After the divorce decree is finalized, couples who have gone through a mediated divorce or a collaborative divorce are much more likely to have an amicable relationship than those who have had a litigated divorce.  This is partly due to the fact that those who have gone through mediation or collaboration have learned negotiating skills, and have learned to focus on shared goals.  Other factors include –

• Avoiding the hostility and nastiness that inevitably occurs in litigation prevents additional emotional pain.
• Keeping the details of the divorce private (in litigation, everything is public record) makes the divorced couple feel more at ease.
• Compliance with the terms of the divorce settlement is more likely because both spouses have worked together to make the decisions and draft a plan they both can live with.

Divorce is difficult, and should be a last resort.  But if your inner voice is telling you it’s time to end the marriage, find out more about how to achieve an amicable divorce.  Your local Divorce with Dignity provider can explain your options and offer various kinds of divorce support.  They can help you find the best way to achieve a peaceful divorce with dignity instead of enmity.