Why Do People Get Divorced?

When people get married, they’re usually thinking about love, harmony and joyful hope for the future. Certainly not divorce. So for those couples who have decided to divorce, what happened between the honeymoon and that decision? Why do people get divorced?

Of course there are many different reasons that people decide to part ways. But I think three very common reasons are:

• unrealistic expectations
• low tolerance and inflexibility
• poor communication

Unrealistic Expectations

Each person going into a marriage has certain expectations of what it will be like, and often make a lot of assumptions. Unfortunately, not many people discuss their expectations in detail with their partners prior to the marriage and the reality of marriage can come as quite a shock. This can lead to arguments, hurt feelings, and even anger that their high expectations are not being met.

There seems to be a pervasive belief that marriage will automatically bring happiness, and if that doesn’t happen, then the marriage is no good and wasn’t meant to be. When a person’s spouse does not behave as expected or imagined, disillusionment can take over. Instead of taking a good look at the situation and asking what they can do to make it better, they might throw up their hands and call it quits. It takes work to make a successful marriage – it does not just happen.

Low Tolerance and Inflexibility

To many people, “compromise” is a dirty word. They view it as weakness and giving in. Actually, the word is a combination of the prefix “com-” which means “together” and the word “promise”. So compromise means to make promises together, to agree to settle differences by mutual concessions. But if one or both of the partners want to always have things their own way, they are headed for trouble. Good marriage partners are tolerant of each other’s differences and are able to be flexible enough to compromise when it doesn’t violate their moral principles.

Poor Communication

“Well if you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you!” I remember hearing this line on several TV comedy shows when a couple was fighting about something and it always got a laugh. But when people feel this way in real life, it is nothing to laugh about. Your partner can’t guess what you want from them, nor can they always intuit what you are having a problem with. Unless you are able to express your feelings and needs to one another, the marriage will suffer. And communication skills involve more than just talking to your spouse; it entails true listening. As Stephen R. Covey once said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Also, I think a lot of spouses avoid real communication because they are afraid it will cause pain to themselves or the other person. Maybe they don’t want to hear the truth they fear. But if you can’t communicate openly and honestly, you can’t solve your marital problems.

As the founder of Divorce With Dignity, I can tell you that neither I nor anyone in the Divorce With Dignity Network advocate divorce. We hope that couples will try all they can do to save their marriages. But sometimes after all efforts fail to resolve basic issues, divorce becomes the best option. When that is the case, our goal is to help people get through that difficult transition in the most peaceful and supported way possible. To learn how we can be of assistance, please visit our website and contact a Divorce With Dignity professional near you.