You. Are. Enraged. You want to “get” your spouse and make them truly miserable. Hurting them will most assuredly make you feel better and set things right for the next chapter in your life. Hitting them in the wallet and their relationship with their kids will make them really see the errors of their ways and regret the day they ever hurt you. They’ll probably even want you back.
What better way to accomplish these things than to hire a badass attorney and take everything you can possibly get from them (including your kids). You know… really make them pay for how they really hurt you.
Well, sure. You can take that route. Chances are, though, that’s not really what you want. And, what does that actually accomplish?
For one, you can lose your integrity.
Perhaps you spoke with an attorney, who has assured you that your ex will suffer (especially financially). They said that you’ll surely win and that you’ll get everything — even the kids. Your ex will end up with nothing and will have to pay you a ton—which is just what they deserve after treating you so badly. They will be truly miserable. They will be “sorry.”
In reality, however, you will likely be the one who is sorry. When you hire a divorce attorney with the intent to take total advantage of your ex, who has hurt you so much, you actually just compromise your dignity, self worth, and self respect. When you stop feeling so angry, you will likely feel regret.
Secondly, don’t believe everything that’s pitched to you at your most vulnerable time. Most courts are now set up so that the worst case means dividing marital assets evenly, so that you each receive a fair share. No matter what your family attorney tells you, you will likely spend a lot of money fighting over something you’re not going to get anyway. Even worse, it is going to take you back years. And who will suffer? You will. Your kids will. Everyone loses and will have a harder time healing from the devastation this knock-down, drag-out approach to divorce will cause.
To expand on that, don’t forget that your ex is a parent to your children, whether you like it or not, and the court is simply not going to let them drop out of your children’s lives—it’s just not going to happen. Most courts these days want both parents involved in their children’s lives. (Now, if your ex is physically abusive or has an addiction that is dangerous for your children, that’s a different story.) The court is not going to care that your spouse decided that they didn’t love you and maybe moved on to another relationship or that they hurt you so much emotionally that you feel you will never recover. No, they don’t.
Most courts these days want both parents involved in their children’s lives.
Furthermore, how do you think your kids are going to feel about how you treated their other parent? These types of things don’t tend to stay a secret, so when they do come out (and they usually do), how will that affect the way they view you? And the way you view yourself?
Of course, there may be financial benefits to hiring the most aggressive, expensive divorce attorney you can find, but you might be able to receive these benefits through a mediated, amicable process as well AND save money — not to mention your dignity and self-worth. After all, the money you pay to litigate comes out of the assets that could, instead, provide you and your children with something important that you may not otherwise be able to afford.
OK, so then what can I do?
Well, you think about why you and your spouse came together in the first place, you think about your kids, what’s best for them, and you think long-term and big-picture. You work on your anger in other, more productive ways, and you don’t bring it into the separation process.
Instead of an overly aggressive attorney, handpicked to punish and strip your spouse of everything, you can hire a family law mediator or amicable divorce process Provider who can help you through this amicably.
Though you may want a final fight and to have the final blow, settling things amicably is truly a win-win for everyone involved. When couples can calmly and fairly approach the division of assets, the care of their kids, and the other nitty-gritties, everyone walks away the better for it. The healing process tends to be easier, the decisions more fair, the kids less traumatized, and the relationship (friendship) perhaps even salvageable.
Remembering that you may have years ahead of you, where you will likely need to work with and be in a physical space with this person (and perhaps their new partner) in order to raise and care for your kids, attend ceremonies, and manage or take part in any major life events, is a good guidepost as you decide how you will engage in this process (that is, whether you’ll take the high road or the low road). Making your interactions more peaceful and amicable (for you and your kids) from the onset will prove priceless in the long run.
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For couples who are pursuing an uncontested divorce (that is, you both agree (or come to agree) on all of the divorce-related issues) the Provider-supported amicable divorce process (which may or may not include mediation) is a great alternative to traditional litigation or doing it on your own.
An amicable divorce process, where you can work towards agreements (and ultimately a signed settlement agreement) with your spouse on things such as division of marital property and debt, child custody and parenting time, child support, and alimony, can really save you time and money, preserve your relationship with your ex, support more positive co-parenting, and even reduce the amount of conflict between you and your ex in both the short- and long-term.
You can work with a Provider in your area who can help you to understand the divorce process in your state, do the calculations, and help you to process the paperwork, which can help you to keep the peace, heal more quickly, and come out feeling that you reached a fair outcome — without inflicting additional pain on yourself, your spouse, or your kids.
If you’re interested in learning more about the amicable divorce process, and discussing your unique situation, please schedule your free discovery call with a Provider in your area.
The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice. The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned. Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions.
