Living through a divorce can feel like a horrible parody of a Hallmark movie, especially during February. All around are images of hearts and flowers and happy couples, and here you are, ending all the things that the commercials are telling you that you should have. You may even wonder if you made a mistake and should have tried harder or held out for more flowers and a box of chocolates.
Before you give up and retire to some small fantasy community filled with calorie-free cinnamon buns, know that you’re not the first person to fall into the deadly Valentine’s Day trap. You can recover your balance in this world by loving yourself and doing the things the imaginary citizens of the fantasy village would do to cheer you up.
1. Say goodbye. One reason it’s hard to get over a divorce is simply because you haven’t really let go yet. Think of a divorce as moving out of a house. You’ve packed up, loaded the moving van, and forwarded all your mail. Now you’re sitting in the driveway, looking up at the house. You must put the car in gear and drive away. Divorce is the same way. Letting go of a marriage is much harder. Are there things unfinished between you and your ex? Some things may need to stay undone for the sake of peace, but you’ll have to come to terms with those so you can move on.
2. Make some changes. Speaking of moving, are you in a new place? Now is a good time to go through your old things and toss out old baggage. Get some new furniture if you can afford it, or new accent pieces if you can’t. If the separation left you with the house, now may be the time to rearrange some rooms. Turn that old bedroom into an office or craft room. Not only does this give you a new outlook on your old life, it gives you a chance to clean up.
3. Change your routine. The quick euphoria you may have felt after the divorce quickly dissipates as you return to the same old grind of work and childcare and the rest of your daily routine. We like routines when things are bad because they let us put our minds on autopilot. But routines can be a trap, making us feel numb to our surroundings. Now is a good time to break that routine. Some things you must do on schedule, of course; but change up what you can. Take a walk before breakfast. Get away from your desk at lunch and go shopping for an hour. Give your kids a popcorn and movie night. Anything different and outside your usual habit.
4. Exercise. You don’t need to make the gym a priority. But if you’re feeling in a rut, getting some fresh air is a must. Going outside and walking around the block is a big step up from sitting inside brooding. If you haven’t been feeling your best, chances are it’s because you stopped moving around. If health issues prevent you from vigorous exercise, look up some sedentary exercises online and begin with those. Better to walk around the living room than sit and curse the darkness.
5. Do something nice for yourself. It’s easy nowadays to put off doing things for ourselves, with the excuse “I can’t afford it” or “I’ll get to that later.” The subtext of that is really “I don’t deserve it.” Self-care sounds so…selfish. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will? So do something nice for yourself that has no other purpose. Read a silly book. Watch pointless TV. Get your nails done. Visit a museum in the middle of the week. Don’t chide yourself with thoughts of all the other “important” things you could be doing. You are important. Take care of yourself.
Support Groups and Self-Care
It’s very easy to isolate after any major life event. Birth, death, divorce, all make us want to sit by ourselves and try to find ourselves again. Unfortunately, divorce is the one event where people often leave us alone. Things are better than they were in our parents’ time, but people recovering from the end of their marriage may still have to search for kind shoulders and understanding ears.
Support groups are not for everyone. If you have a good network of friends, family, and maybe a therapist you already trust, you may not feel the need to open up to another group of people. Sometimes, though, your family and friends may not understand what you’re going through. Or you may be uncomfortable sharing your regrets about your divorce with them. In that case, a support group is a good place to be.
If you have a therapist, they can usually point you in the right direction. If not, divorce support groups abound online and on social media. The family law attorney who handled your separation may have someone you can call. You should not give in to the desire to bottle up your thoughts and feelings. The important part of self-care, after all, is care.
Final Thoughts
Our DWD Providers consist of therapists, attorneys, mediators, and counselors who understand what divorce means both during and after the separation. When you’re ready to move on, we can help you take the next steps forward. Divorce is never easy, and self-care is somehow more difficult, especially in our hustle-bustle society that wants you to “just get on with it.”
The Providers at Divorce With Dignity won’t leave you at the courthouse door. We have the skills and the connections to help you carry on after the divorce and get yourself back into a comfortable place. When you need help, you can call on us.
