It hasn’t been a traditional spring, with snow late in April rather than spring showers. Non-traditional weather makes it a good time to discuss other unusual arrangements, like birdnesting and parallel parenting. Thinking outside the box for your divorce solution takes courage, but it can lead to a better outcome for everyone.
Let’s start with birdnesting. This unique type of co-parenting takes the divorce out of the home and leaves the household intact.
Birdnesting: An Alternative Co-Parenting Arrangement
If you have children, a divorce becomes much more complicated. Issues of custody, visitation, and living arrangements must be argued along with property division and support payments. Even if the separation is reasonably amicable, disruption of the family unit is never good for children.
In birdnesting, the children remain in the family home, and the parents take turns living with the children on their arranged custody schedule. When the parent does not have custody, they live elsewhere.
Pros and Cons of Keeping the Nest
Birdnesting has some significant benefits for children, especially older children who may be upset by losing parents, homes, and friends if they need to move to a new residence. Maintaining the home residence keeps the children’s anchor during a time of family turmoil.
Both parents must be active in the children’s lives. Even the most equitable custody arrangement can result in one parent more of a household role than the other. Since the parents have to share the home, they will have to contribute equally to the care of the house and children.
The kids won’t have a sense of being abandoned by a parent. Since the parents stay at home and rotate in and out of the house, the children have both parents in their lives and interested in their affairs.
The downsides to birdnesting should be considered carefully.
- Parents must make it clear they are not reconciling. Children need to understand that their parents are divorced and could get remarried.
- Parents must agree on household chores and duties. Birdnesting cannot succeed if parents were already arguing about cleaning the kitchen and laundry assignments.
- It can be expensive. Not only are parents now supporting the “nest,” they each must have their own place to live when they are not at the children’s home. Instead of two homes post-divorce, you now have three.
- Remember why you divorced. As much as you love your children and want only the best for them, you divorced because you could not live with your spouse. Birdnesting keeps spouses in close proximity, so any unresolved issues will reemerge.
If you and your former spouse communicate well, and separated amicably, then birdnesting may be an option to consider. Birdnesting may be advantageous for couples with special-needs children who will be especially traumatized by separation and need their home and belongings around them.
Parallel Parenting: A Practical Approach to Co-Parenting Differences
If you’re not comfortable with sharing a house with your ex, or circumstances won’t permit an alternative co-parenting arrangement, a more traditional format, parallel parenting may work for you.
Parallel parenting is recommended for high-conflict divorces, where communication is difficult and custody and visitation must be highly structured for the sake of the children and family. Parallel parenting is the polar opposite of birdnesting. In a parallel arrangement, parents seldom or never see one another.
When and How to Parallel Parent
In parallel parenting, parents agree to a hands-off approach to the other parent’s child-rearing style. When the children are with you, they may have one set of bedtime rules, chores, and so on. When they are with the other parent, that parent’s rules apply. Neither parent has any say about what goes on in the other parent’s household.
This parenting system works in high-conflict, low-communication divorces, where the parents cannot talk without arguing, but where there is no other risk to the children. For instance, one parent may want the children to come home, do their homework, and then have free time. The other may enforce early bedtimes even if homework must wait until the next day. As long as homework gets done and children get enough sleep, there is no real issue.
Areas of Concern in Parallel Parenting
Because parents in this situation already have communication issues, it’s important that their attorneys or mediators work closely with the court to develop a custody agreement. Some things to keep in mind:
- Parents must avoid commenting on one another’s system. This includes letting the kids play parents off against each other. Facing the insecurity of divorce, kids may argue “That’s not how we do it at mom’s house,” or “Dad lets me play video games after dinner.” In parallel parenting, parents must be firm about their rules, and not give in to snide comments about Dad letting them be lazy or mom being overly strict.
- In some states, parents must have joint access to children’s school and medical records, and equal ability to make educational and medical decisions on the child’s behalf. For instance, the school must be able to contact either parent in case of emergency.
- Parallel parenting can be temporary at the parents’ option. The settlement agreement should include a clause providing a method for the parents to amend the decision through mediation without needing a formal motion to amend.
Parallel parenting is intentionally more structured than a standard co-parenting system. Like birdnesting, the purpose of this style of custody is to put the parents’ focus back on their shared duty as parents and remove the pressure of divorce from the household.
Final Thoughts
At Divorce With Dignity, Providers want all our clients to succeed with their divorce. If your separation is not as amicable as you’d like, we can still help you through your custody arrangement. Birdnesting may not work for your family for financial reasons, but parallel parenting may be too restrictive. We can help find a middle way that works for everyone. Through our amicable mediation, we can ensure that ever detail is outlined for your unique situation.
Our Providers include attorneys, mediators, therapists, and other professionals who want to help you and your family get through a complex divorce. We’re just a phone call away if you need answers to your dissolution questions.
