Divorce is hard on all participants, but it’s especially hard on the ones who have the least to say—the children. As angry spouses haul one another into court, it can be easy to forget the kids except as another thing you’re fighting over. Which one of you “gets” the kids and which one “has” to pay child support makes it sound like you’re trading baseball cards. Time to rethink your divorce co-parenting strategy. Apply some mindfulness in co-parenting.
Stay Present and Stay on Target
During a divorce, spouses sometimes forget that they’re still parents first, and always will be. Between the two of you, you created a bunch of little people who need you to put them first, even ahead of your arguments over who “gets” the dining room set or the SUV.
You and your spouse are divorcing because you can no longer live peacefully together; but you should try and keep a peaceful space for your children. The old saw “Not in front of the children” has fallen out of use, but you can bring it back. When the kids are in the room, you and your spouse should at least be civil. If you can’t do that, you should arrange not to be in the same place at the same time.
Parents and Children and Conflict
Once the divorce is final, you must leave the anger in the courtroom with all the other paperwork. This is strangely difficult for many people to do. Former spouses will argue over custody and visitation until the last child has graduated high school. This is bad for the kids, and it isn’t good for you either. It means dragging everyone through the pain over and over again.
So, what should you do instead? Of course, if you and your spouse have an amicable divorce, you have a good co-parenting relationship. If not, or if a little bitterness seeps in now and then, you can try these ideas to stay in the moment and keep your kids happy and healthy.
Create a parenting plan first. During the divorce, the judge will make a custody and visitation agreement, but that’s only a template. It will say where the kids stay during the week, and on weekends, and who pays for health insurance. You need a plan that accounts for all the little quirks and foibles of your family.
- The visitation should allow for overnights with friends, other family, or school events
- Remember any family holidays, like Uncle Joe’s First of August BBQ
- Be sure discipline is the same in both households, so bedtimes and homework are enforced by both parents
- Dietary restrictions, medications, and other needs should be well-stocked and kept in both homes
The purpose of your parenting plan should be preventing one home from being the “fun” home and the other the “strict” home. Neither parent can blame the other if a child misses a dose of medication or eats a forbidden food during a custodial visit.
Get Professional Help
With your parenting plan, your children, and yourself. If you and your spouse cannot communicate during or after your divorce, consider a mediator or family law attorney to help craft your parenting plan. A mediator can assist you with writing out your plan, and spot missing details in your goals.
Children are aware of tension in the family long before it comes into the open. They may not let you know they’re unhappy, especially as they get older. If teenagers seem moody or angry, you may chalk it up to “hormones” or “just being a kid,” but it could be more serious. Don’t take grunts or shrugs for an answer. You don’t need to nag or pry, but let your child know you’re ready to listen.
If you’re having trouble letting go of anger, resentment, or guilt after a divorce, talk to someone. Family or friends are good sounding boards, but never criticize your ex where your kids can hear, or with anyone who might repeat your complaints back to them. Professional therapists might be better, since you can talk to them, get a sympathetic ear, and some good advice as well.
Holding Up One End of the House
You can only rescue yourself, as they say. In a perfect world, your spouse will do all these things and your co-parenting plans will go smoothly, but what can you do when your ex won’t cooperate? What should you do when your ex does everything possible to undercut your parenting plans?
Relax. Take a deep breath. Then remember that your children still have two parents, and your job is to give them the best upbringing you can. You must resist the temptation to confront your ex or run back to court with proof that your ex is a terrible parent.
In some cases, non-custodial parents simply become less engaged because they see the children less often. When a custodial arrangement gives one parent less than 50% of the time (for whatever reason), it isn’t surprising that that parent has difficulty connecting with their child. Or they may have met someone else and be withdrawing from the child without realizing it.
Before things get out of hand, try reaching out to your spouse. If you’re still not able to speak with them directly, consider using a third party, such as a mediator. Don’t have your attorney do it. Bring the subject up directly, but non-confrontationally. “We agreed the kids would be in bed by 10:00, but Bobby said he stayed up till 11:30 the other night, what happened?” or “You’ve missed three of Kate’s soccer games, is everything okay?”
Let your spouse know that you want to communicate, not argue, that you’re concerned your spouse is missing out on the children’s activities. Communication is always key, before, during, and after divorce. When both parents talk things out, the children are the beneficiaries.
Final Thoughts
At Divorce With Dignity, our Providers will help you before, during, and after your divorce. Our Providers include attorneys, mediators, therapists, and other professionals who know how to open lines of communication even if people don’t want to discuss things. We’re just a phone call away if you need answers to your dissolution questions.
