Is it time to make it official?

It can be tough to be a stepparent — even in the best of situations. When a stepparent is, in effect, assuming the daily role of a primary parent, the legal limitations of not being acknowledged in that primary role, can be especially frustrating. 

Depending on a number of factors, such as the biological parents’ roles in the child(ren)’s life, the living arrangements and stability of the home(s), the age of the child(ren), and financial circumstances, it may be beneficial to the custodial parent, their spouse, and/or the child(ren), to be adopted by the custodial parent’s spouse (“the stepparent”); however, this is not a situation that should be entered into in haste.

Because adoptive parents assume financial and legal responsibility for the child(ren), thinking about your level of commitment and ability to serve in this role for the long-term is just one of the many important considerations going into a significant and life-changing decision like this. Other important considerations include what the child wants, what’s best in both the short- and long-term for them, if you think you’ll get consent from the biological parent to terminate their parental rights to the child, an honest assessment about your (and your spouse’s) motivations for this adoption. Yes, that’s a lot to consider…

So, after you’ve given it thoughtful consideration, what’s the first step?

There’s conflicting guidance on this over various top adoption sites (we’ve noted some of those resources at the end of this article). Some advise that once you make a decision, you should hire an experienced legal professional (whether a legal document specialist or an attorney). In our experience, however, engaging a licensed family therapist, experienced with stepparent adoptions, is the critical first step. You can only know what you know, so because of that and because stepparent adoption can have adverse, short- and long-term impacts on the child(ren), it’s important to explore the motivations behind your intention to adopt, the specific immediate and potential longer-term impacts on those involved, and the best time and way to go about this, should everyone choose to proceed — these discussions may even include the parent who would be terminating their parental rights to the child(ren).

Many parents only focus on the many compelling reasons to adopt their stepchild(ren), including:

• It can provide stability for the child (emotional, physical, and financial).
• It can help the child to feel safe and wanted in their home and family.
• In some cases, the adoption will sever links to a parent that is negative toward the child; this can give the child a certain feeling of freedom. 
• Legally binding a stepparent and child can prevent separation in the case of the child’s birth parent passing away.

However, with all of these compelling reasons (and many viral ‘stepparent proposal videos’ online), some people can get a little blinded by the romantic notion of adoption and fail to properly consider some of the less romantic aspects. Since adoption is such a big commitment and transition, it’s very important to explore those.

According to AptParenting’s article The Good and Not-so-good Effects of Adoption on Kids and Adults, there are several potential psychological consequences (both positive and negative) of adoption (and, presumably, that includes stepparent adoption), which, for the adopted child(ren) can include:

• feelings such as a lack of control over the decisions made
• feelings of loss or longing for for their biological parent, or
• an inability to accept the adoptive parent as their own.

There are also many potential negative impacts on the adults involved. Therefore, it is prudent to become aware of these before entering into the adoption process — and working through the potential impacts with a family therapist, in advance, can be very beneficial.

So, now that you’ve explored (and resolved, where possible) the potential effects of adoption, we believe that it’s now time to call in a family law professional. (Requirements vary by state, so be sure to ask what’s required in your state before you retain anyone.) Once you’ve secured legal support, they can assist you through the rest of the process (based on your unique situation and the requirements in your state), which usually involves these additional steps:

• Getting Consent and/or File a Motion to Terminate the Replaced Parent’s Parental Rights
  • Some states require a written consent, while others require a court appearance. Some states even require that the parent receive education on his or rights before being able to terminate them. Of course, in the case of abandonment, consent may be difficult to get. Whatever the case, it’s important that parents be given the chance to terminate their rights before you proceed. Unlawful consent will only cause problems, like a revoking of the adoption. (1)
  • You may also need to get permission from the child…
• Filing a Petition to Adopt
  • This will usually include background information about you and your spouse and will usually require that you complete and submit a criminal history background check as well.
• Finalization
  • During this required court hearing, you will need to appear before a judge and make a statement about your desire to become the child’s legal parent. Depending on the child’s age, the judge may also ask for their opinion.

Once the adoption is finalized, you’ll also need to apply for a new birth certificate so that the child’s new name (if updated) and stepparent are listed (and celebrate!).