As a parent, your natural instincts will encourage you to protect your child in all areas of their life.
For example, whenever you cross the road, you’ll find yourself reaching for their hand to guide them across safely. These instincts will also lead to you trying to protect them emotionally – which means you may leave them out of difficult conversations or choose to keep them in the dark when it comes to your divorce. While this response is perfectly natural, after all, no parent wants to see their child upset – removing them from the situation could actually lead to further troubles down the line.
As a result, it’s vital that you find a way to talk about divorce with your child. This will allow them to better understand what is happening and ensure that they handle their parent’s divorce in a healthy way.
Let them know what is happening early on in the process. Divorce brings about many changes in your children’s lives. For example, you may choose to move house as you begin living separately and co-parenting. These changes can be difficult for children of all ages to handle – so it’s vital that you provide them with an advanced warning as to what is happening. Once you and your partner have decided to separate, give yourself a bit of time to process your own emotions before bringing your child into the conversation.
Remember, divorce doesn’t have to be a scary word. Many parents chose to skip over the word ‘divorce’ as often as possible. For example, you may instead say that you are ‘taking a break’ instead, or simply that ‘Daddy is going to live in a new house.’ However, by using the correct terminology, you’re actually making it easier for your child to understand what is happening – especially if you take the time to explain to them what divorce means. The level of detail you provide here will likely depend on the age of the child. For example, you should keep it brief for younger children and explain it to them in simple terms, whereas teenagers may be more curious about the legal side of things or the divorce process. While honesty and transparency are important during this conversation, you do not have to provide your children with the exact reasons for divorce.
Have both parents present during the conversation. While your romantic relationship with your partner may have drawn to a close, it’s important that you continue to work as a team as you work your way through a peaceful, amicable divorce. You can achieve this goal by ensuring that both parents are present during the initial conversations regarding your separation. This will help your child recognize that while things may be changing, you’ll still remain a family unit and can still help each other when you need it. It also stops the child from blaming one parent for the separation. For example, if Mom breaks the news when Dad isn’t present, they could subconsciously begin to think that their Dad is the reason why their family is no longer together. Working as a team is a great way to start your co-parenting journey as it encourages you to work on your relationship even after you’re divorced.
Have the conversation in an environment where they feel comfortable. Hearing that your parents are separating is never going to be easy – so it’s vital that you find a way to make the process as easy as possible for your children. One way you can do this is by having the conversation in an environment that is familiar to them, where they feel particularly safe or comfortable. For example, this could include the family home. If they begin to feel upset or overwhelmed, you should also give them the chance to step back from the conversation until they feel ready to discuss it once more. Sometimes they need only a matter of minutes to collect their thoughts, while sometimes, it could take much longer. Either way, giving them their own time to grieve and process their emotions enables you to provide them with the emotional support they need.
Leave room for questions. Children are naturally rather inquisitive, so they are bound to have a lot of questions about the divorce or what this means for their future. For example, they may want to know details about co-parenting, who they are staying with, and when. Even if you don’t have the answers right away, it’s important that you let them ask as many questions as they want without trying to cut the conversation short. Asking questions is the way children learn about the world, and it will help them come to an understanding as to what is happening.
In short, there are various steps you can take to start the conversation regarding divorce with your children. However, if you want a little more support, why not reach out to a Divorce With Dignity Provider? Your provider will be able to provide you with all manner of divorce help, from introducing you to conflict resolution strategies to talking you through the process and explaining divorce papers and family law. Get in touch today to find out more!
