Divorce With Dignity (dwdignity.com) is a divorce planning and facilitation service that takes a holistic approach to the divorce process. We understand that there is more to getting through a divorce than just the legal paperwork. As part of our service to our clients, we offer referrals to affiliate professionals who can assist them with other aspects of divorce – for example, emotional support and life coaching.
One organization we often refer clients to is Wings for Women (wingsforwomen.net). The organization’s founder, Keiko Hsu, is an award-winning certified Life Coach and Life-After-Divorce Mentor. Her passion is coaching, mentoring, and inspiring women after a “life-shaking transition such as divorce” to help them “find their wings, reach new heights in their life, career and relationships, and live a joyful life”.
We asked Keiko to share with us some of her thoughts on emotional support while going through a divorce, and coping mechanisms to deal with negative emotions.
Divorce is probably the most emotionally traumatic event anyone can go through. It brings up all kinds of emotions – feelings of failure, sadness, anger, resentment, fear of the unknown, and fear about not being good enough to attract another partner. You are not alone – many people feel this way.
It’s very important to address your emotions; don’t try to just sweep them under the rug. They are telling you something and you need to understand what they’re telling you, and deal with that.
Another very important thing: if you are working with a lawyer, recognize that your lawyer is NOT your therapist. Don’t vent and pour out your emotions to your lawyer. And don’t let your emotions make you retaliate through the legal system against your ex. If you let your emotions take over, you may make some very unwise decisions from a legal point of view and you’ll get caught in a long drawn-out legal battle that will cost you months of agony and very expensive legal bills.
While it is normal to experience a host of negative emotions surrounding divorce, you need to recognize when it is serious enough to see a counselor or therapist. One guideline: if you’re crying every day, feeling an immense amount of grief, it’s probably more than you can handle on your own and you should seek some professional help. Otherwise, there are some methods for coping with negative emotions. We need to allow ourselves to feel the feelings and understand the messages they are giving us, but we also need to set boundaries on how much time we focus on our emotions.
One method I suggest is to set a specific time period, say an hour, and tell yourself, “I’m going to allow myself to sit here and really feel these emotions for the next hour”, and then when the time is up, get up and do something else. This helps you to keep control and still live your life and get other things done.
Another way to cope is to talk with a friend, preferably someone who has been through a divorce, too. Or talk with a professional coach who has been trained to help you deal with emotions and set your life on a new course.
Most important: Be kind to yourself. People will often beat themselves up about what they should have/could have done. The breakup was most probably meant to happen as a wake-up call that your relationship wasn’t serving you, and you deserve much better. Forgive your spouse and forgive yourself, because forgiveness will give you the freedom to move on with your life.
If you have decided that divorce is the right course for you, Divorce With Dignity can help you assess your situation and specific needs, assist you with your divorce planning and the legal paperwork, and connect you with other professionals whose services may be helpful to you. To learn more, contact your local Divorce With Dignity affiliate (findaprovider.dwdignity.com). We’re here to support you so you can get through the divorce process – with dignity.
The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice. The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned. Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions.
