For those seeking a collaborative and peaceful divorce, negotiation skills are essential to effective conflict resolution. Successful negotiations take planning, preparation, and a desire to reach a mutually satisfactory agreement. Here are some tips to help you succeed.
1. DO make a prioritized list of what you want.
Like the Scouts motto, “Be Prepared”. Always go into a negotiation knowing what is most important to you, what you are willing to compromise on, and some ideas of what things you might trade for some other concessions by the other side.
2. DON’T be afraid to ask for what you want.
Sometimes people are reluctant to bring up an issue because they don’t think they will get what they want. By not raising the issue you will certainly not get it, so make sure you are explicit about what you want – and also what you don’t want. Be assertive, but not aggressive. That is, take care of your own interests while still maintaining respect for your spouse and what is important to him/her.
3. DON’T give anything away without getting something in return.
Making a concession without requiring the other side to reciprocate is self-defeating. It makes the other side feel entitled to it and they will want something more. But an even “trade” will leave both sides feeling that they got a fair deal.
4. DO show your spouse how their needs will be met.
Seek to understand the needs of your spouse – not necessarily their demands, but what they really need. Then, figure out a way to ensure those needs are met and communicate your ideas. When your spouse feels that you do understand them and truly want to achieve a result that will feel fair to both sides, he/she will be more willing to do the same for you.
5. DO listen to the other side.
We are often so intent on making sure our interests are heard that we forget to listen. By being attentive to what the other person is saying, both verbally and with their body language, you can learn things that will help you in the negotiations. Asking open-minded and open-ended questions (ones that can’t be answered simply by “yes” or “no”) will aid you in finding new options. Approach the negotiation as a problem both of you are working to solve together, and be willing to brain-storm solutions.
6. DON’T be in a hurry.
It is difficult for most of us to be patient, especially when we want to get something over with (like divorce negotiations). But if you rush through things, you are more likely to make mistakes or may miss an opportunity to find better solutions. Take the time to get it right, and you won’t regret it later on.
7. DO get it in writing.
Oral agreements are the first step, but the negotiations are not complete until the divorce settlement decisions are put into writing in detail. Memories can be faulty and having the written proof of what was agreed on enables you to avoid the bickering that can occur when there is disagreement about what was decided.
These tips can help you work out a divorce settlement that meets everyone’s needs. However, by starting with a Divorce with Dignity office, you will be able to understand the process, review your needs and figure out the best things to negotiate, as well as assistance with mediation if needed. You can find your nearest Divorce With Dignity provider by visiting www.findaproviderdwdignity.com.
The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice. The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned. Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions
