For someone who has recently gone through a divorce, the thought of dating after divorce can feel quite daunting and can bring up a whole slew of different emotions – fear, apprehension, low self-esteem, feeling “broken”, reluctance to trust someone again, etc. Can these negative feelings be overcome? How does one jump back into the dating scene, and when is it a good time to start?
Barbara Gordon (The Love Muse) is a relationship consultant who is sharing with us today some of her insights and experience regarding dating after divorce.
What advice to you give newly divorced people regarding dating? How can you help them overcome negative feelings?
I listen to where their fear or pain is, and then guide them in looking at their woundedness. My goal is to help them stop doing the same unhelpful things over and over. For example, when women tell me they always attract unavailable men, I find it really turns out that there’s something unavailable in themselves. I help them to explore what that is, and help them see patterns in their relationships.
I work with both men and women – and I gain perspective from both. Together we look at their beliefs about the opposite sex and marriage. Sometimes I challenge specific beliefs, like “there are no good men around”. Yes, there are! You just have to be open to seeing them. It’s about identifying and holding onto your values, and then looking for people with integrity and similar values, rather than looking for that 6’2” guy or that “perfect 10” gal. You need to ask yourself, “What kind of person do I really want to meet?”
Additionally, you need to look at what kind of vibe you are putting out to the world. It’s important that you feel good about yourself – that’s what will make you attractive to others. Radiate confidence and joy in life. Avoid exuding desperation – that does not open you up to attracting others.
It may take you some time to get to the point where you can be energetically open to a new relationship. After a divorce, I don’t recommend dating right away. It’s so important to do some self-exploration first. I suggest people give themselves six months to a year. They will feel intuitively when the time is right.
On your webiste, you mention some specific ways you can assist people to prepare for dating again. Would you elaborate on these?
- Working together we can create a deeper understanding of who your perfect partner is with a clear vision of what you want versus what you’ve settled for in the past.
Sometimes people don’t dream big; they settle for “small” in relationships, settle for what’s familiar to them instead of really staying clear in their resolve to find a good partner. But when dreaming big, we must also have flexibility and not be too rigid in our expectations. We want to find that fine balance, which, by the way, also applies to all aspects of our lives. Finding that balance will bring more joy and happiness.
- Let authentic love into your life and have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Authentic love is not game-based. If you are honest from the beginning, from your very first date, your whole relationship will be better. Authenticity is different for each person – when it’s right, you know it. Life just flows easier.
Many people, consciously or unconsciously, shut themselves off from meeting someone. They’ve probably been hurt, but need to learn how to get past that. Its about energetically opening your heart – not just saying you are open to meeting someone, but truly opening yourself up to that possibility.
Don’t live in fear of new relationships – it makes you closed off to the abundance of life. I know it’s difficult to leave your comfort zone, but I can help you to open up little by little, and with a little practice you can learn how to date again in a healthy and joyful way. Just try it, you might like it!
Barbara Gordon, The Love Muse
“It’s time to find out what works instead of fumbling through what doesn’t.”
Please call me for a complimentary 45-60 minute Love Muse consultation!
510-917-0299 www.thelovemuse.com bkaleva8@gmail.com
We would like to thank Barbara for sharing her ideas on how newly divorced people can move beyond the negative feelings that hinder them from finding happiness in a new relationship. Divorce With Dignity is more than just a service that assists divorcing couples with the required legal documents. We take a holistic approach with our clients, assisting them with divorce planning and paperwork as well as providing referrals to other professionals who can help them create their post-divorce lives. To learn more about our comprehensive services, please visit our website.
The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice. The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned. Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions.
