Usually, this time of year, we (co-parents) are focused on back-to-school supplies and meeting our child(ren)’s new teacher(s). We may be looking forward to refocusing on work or actually having some quiet time around the house, as it has been an especially long (and yet, somehow incredibly fast) summer, hasn’t it!?
These past several months have, quite possibly, been some of the most stressful of our lives, as we’ve attempted to do some degree of homeschooling and an insane amount of entertaining, calming, and hugging our stressed-out and socially deprived children (while we cry ourselves to sleep after some very long days). OK, maybe it’s not that bad for all of us, but it has definitely been an unusual and challenging time. It looks as though we won’t be going back to our normal August-September routines and it seems as though there’s no near-term end in sight.
For parents sharing care for their children across two households, this time may be proving especially challenging as new COVID-related scenarios continuously arise (alongside frustrations around differing parenting styles), bringing once-settled issues back out and, quite often, to a head.
Those once-settled issues, such as safety, screentime, basic nutrition, sleep, and discipline techniques have been revisited by many during this time of physical distancing, heightened sensitivities to viral exposure, more downtime, and an increased focus on our children’s emotional well-being.
When this kind of monumental event happens, parents may either come together for the good of their child(ren) — or feel even further driven apart. When parents can put the child(ren)’s best interests at the forefront of their decisions, it can really help to determine the best course of action (though it may not necessarily come without conflict).
One of the biggest areas of conflict we’ve been discussing with clients is their desire to make adjustments to their child(ren)’s “visitation” schedule. So, here are some ideas to help you to approach your unique situation by discussing or considering some of these key questions:
- Is it truly in the child’s best interest to continue to follow the parenting plan that is in place, sending the child back and forth between homes?
- Is one parent better able to support homeschooling than the other? For example, is internet service equally available at both homes?
- Does one parent have a job that involves more contact with the public and therefore presents more risk for household members?
- Who else lives in the home, and how much contact do they have with the public?
- Is a household member in a high-risk group: over the age of 60, suffering from underlying medical conditions, or immunocompromised?
- Does one home have more space or better access to safe outdoor spaces where children can play and get exercise while keeping the recommended physical distance?
Whatever you decide and however your proceed, to keep things moving in a positive direction:
- Keep communication open. Answer all forms of communication (phone calls, texts, emails, etc.) with your co-parent promptly, and try your best not to overly monitor your co-parent with constant, unnecessary inquiries.
- Don’t keep score.
- Enter each conversation with finding a solution together as your goal.
- Stay socially connected when you are physically distanced. Schedule virtual visits between your co-parent and your child. Set times and make the child available for video calls.
- Once this crisis is over, set aside extra time so that the non-custodial parent and child can reconnect and become more comfortable together again.
- And… try your hardest to NOT use this situation to punish the other parent or take advantage.
It’s not always easy to separate our feelings about the co-parent from the decisions regarding our children, with kindness, understanding and the child’s best interests (both long- and short-term) in mind, some good decisions can be made and everyone can make the best of this very challenging environment. Remember that each family member is having to adapt and though there are so many additional disruptions to our normal way of life right now, if the children are reassured that these disruptions are temporary and that they are loved, we can all get through this.
If you’re facing difficult decisions with your co-parent, and have reached a point where you could benefit from professional help, please contact one of our Providers. We can help you to revisit your co-parenting agreements and also put you in touch with other professionals who can assist with family counseling.
Some of the information in this post came from this article from healthychildren.org.
