Even though you’ve chosen to take the amicable divorce route, the emotional process can still be difficult for those involved to handle. As adults, we are naturally better equipped to deal with our emotions than our children, who may have previously been relatively sheltered and protected. As such, it’s important that you put the necessary steps in place to support them during this difficult time.
When your divorce coincides with returning to school, the process could be even more complicated. This is because the new school year often involves a great deal of change, which, when coupled with a divorce, can easily lead to children or teenagers feeling overwhelmed. This is particularly important if your children are transitioning from middle school to high school.
With that in mind, here are just some of the ways in which you can support your children returning to school when experiencing a divorce.
Don’t avoid the ”D” word. Often, when going through a difficult time, our natural response is to surround ourselves with distractions or avoid talking about it altogether. Believe it or not, there is actually scientific reasoning to this avoidance – emotions such as anxiety and fear trigger our brains’ brains’ fight-or-flight’ reaction, leaving us feeling vulnerable and on edge. As a result, it is only natural to eradicate these feelings by pretending they don’t exist. However, speaking openly and honestly about how you are feeling and what is happening is one of the easiest ways to help your child feel more comfortable. It can also help you to process your own emotions. As such, you should know precisely how to talk to your children about your upcoming divorce. While you may not wish to discuss it 24/7, making it part of your daily discussions proves to your child that this subject is not taboo – and while difficult, talking about it is a great way to process what is happening and move forward with confidence. By creating a safe space for your children to talk, they are less likely to hold in their emotions, and as such, will feel less overwhelmed when returning to school.
Expect a change in behavior. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to predict how your child will respond to the divorce ahead of time. For example, younger children may not understand the concept altogether and will take much longer to adjust than teenagers, who may have seen the changes coming. However, each and every child will respond differently to these changes – and while some days they may seem to have everything under control, they may start acting out the next day. As such, you should expect some changes in their general behavior – especially in relation to school. For example, children that were previously relatively well-behaved and studious may start paying less attention in class. When this happens, it’s important that you help them get to the root of their problem instead of chastising them. For example, their lack of focus may not be the product of a lack of interest or a desire to act out but rather because they are spending their time thinking about what is happening at home.
Inform their teachers. Talking to others about your divorce can be difficult, especially as it is a rather private matter. However, it is definitely beneficial to inform your child’s teacher that the divorce is occurring so that they know to attribute this to any changes in their behavior. They may also be able to provide your child with additional support in the classroom by extending the deadline for a specific project or taking the divorce into account when grading their work. Remember, you do not need to tell the teacher everything – for example, you don’t need to discuss the grounds for divorce, but just give them a very basic idea of what is happening. You may also want to discuss how your child has been behaving at home, which could indicate how they will act at school. Furthermore, ensuring that their teacher is in the loop could help your child feel more supported, as they will have someone to reach out to during school hours.
Put together some rules for co-parenting. Adjusting to co-parenting can be difficult, and it could take a little while before things begin to run seamlessly. However, in regards to schooling, you should ensure that you have some ground rules in place sooner rather than later. For example, you should put together a pick-up and drop-off routine together ahead of time so that your children know who they will be spending time with each morning and evening. Furthermore, you should also ensure that you and your ex-partner take a similar approach to homework. For example, you may want to set aside a set time each day when your children are supposed to complete their homework tasks and ensure that this is upheld no matter what parent they are staying with. Furthermore, you should also ensure that you both remain engaged in all school activities, such as sporting events or parent-teacher meetings, even if this could be a little awkward to begin with.
In short, there are various steps you can take to support your child as they prepare to return to school. However, above all, it’s important that you let them know that you and your partner are there for them no matter what and are always ready to listen. Whether they are angry, sad, or confused, let them know that their feelings are valid and that things will get easier over time.
At Divorce With Dignity, we have decades of experience working with parents as they navigate their way towards amicable divorce. As such, we can also provide a great deal of advice on conflict resolution and how to support your children before (and after) you sign the divorce papers. Get in touch today to find out more.
