Holidays are often a stressful time, even when things are running smoothly. There are travel plans to make, winter breaks from school to coordinate, and parties to attend (or avoid). It can be twice as difficult when, for the first time, you find yourself looking at a visitation schedule and wondering how you can get through the first holiday since your divorce was finalized.
There’s no perfect solution for everyone. Your solution has to be your own, and things can happen even for the best-laid plans. But if you take time and don’t panic, there’s no reason this holiday can’t be as good or even better than all the ones before.
Look at Your Custody Agreement
Almost every state requires a custody agreement and visitation schedule in place before the divorce is finalized. It should include holiday arrangements, already worked out between you and your former spouse. Things are probably different now that you’re looking at the actual holidays instead of a calendar in your attorney’s office or the courtroom.
The usual agreement has parents alternating Christmas every other year, or splitting the day if they live close enough to do so. Part of the holiday schedule may revolve around children’s school schedules and when their winter holidays fall. Review the agreement now and see how your holidays will work out.
Be Realistic About This Year
The first holiday season after your divorce will be difficult, no matter how long ago it was. Holidays bring up positive emotions and feelings of nostalgia. You may want to remake your holidays like they were before the divorce, and feel unhappy when things don’t work out as planned.
Know in advance that it isn’t going to be the same as last year, and be prepared for a mix of feelings, good and bad. That’s normal. When you hit a bump in the road, as you inevitably will, remind yourself that it’s just part of the ordinary holiday routine, not a disaster. Enjoy things as they come.
Kids First
If you have children, be extra sure to keep them in the front of things. All the memories and nostalgia you may have for the holidays are twice as sharp for them, because they don’t have as many. Little things like decorating your home or going shopping on specific days “just like last year” mean more to them. Take time to make their memories special.
If you get along at all with your former spouse, put aside your differences to make holiday plans that include both of you. If you still live in the same town, try to spend at least one day together if you can. If you cannot do so peacefully, then make sure both of you get time with the kids, even if your visitation schedule doesn’t say you “have to.” Nothing gives the children holiday cheer like both parents at a school event.
Start New Holiday Traditions
Although you want the kids to have their cherished traditions, now is a good time to start some new ones. Think of something you always wanted to do over the holidays, and try it out. Most towns have crafts fairs or holiday parades to attend, or local holiday plays. Make homemade crafts and hand them out at a homeless shelter. Anything that can be a different tradition that is especially your own.
If you don’t have children, or you’re going to be alone over the holidays, you can still create your own tradition. Meet with friends who are also by themselves and want someone to spend time with. Being alone over the holidays isn’t as unique as it should be. There are many people who need others during the long holiday season, and you can reach out to them too.
Take Care of Yourself
The holidays are emotional times. Everywhere you look, you’re pummeled with images of joy and cheer, visiting families and happy memories. It’s stressful enough for people without the baggage of a recent divorce. You can’t be blamed if you see an ad for a Hallmark movie and feel like bursting into tears.
Sometimes, self-care means locking yourself in your bedroom with a cup of cocoa and your fuzzy bathrobe and having a good cry. Or it means getting out in the brisk fall air and taking a walk around the block. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally. Get plenty of sleep and exercise. Try to have healthy meals between office parties and delicious snacks left in the break room. If you feel truly depressed, don’t wait until after the holidays to get professional help.
When Two Become One Become Three (or More)
If you’ve become a blended family, or your ex-spouse has one, the tips above apply to your new mix of spouses, children, and possible in-laws. Any new family members have their own holiday traditions and plans, and your new spouse may have their own visitation schedule to deal with.
Sitting everyone down to discuss plans is always better than just hoping it all works out. Blended families do better when they discuss plans as a group: what they want to do, what they don’t want to do, and when they absolutely have to be somewhere. As always, kids first, family second—and take time to take care of yourself and your new spouse!
Final Thoughts
The holidays are upon us, and you may not be feeling especially cheerful in your first season after a divorce. That’s where the DWD Providers can help. We know that things are extra tough when you’re juggling the usual holiday stressors plus the emotional issues that go along with a new divorce or a blended family.
If you need some emotional or mental support, let us know. We can help you whether you need assistance talking to your children, a former spouse, or just want to talk about your own emotional turmoil. Our Providers can help you through the holiday season and into a Happy New Year.
