Children and divorce. We’ve all heard how devastating divorce can be for the children in the family. And many of us have known people in unhappy marriages who stay together “for the sake of the children”. They both want out of the marriage, but have heard the horror stories about children of divorced parents having trust issues and relationship issues throughout their lives.
But is staying together for this reason really a good idea? Unhappy marriages can make for unhappy childhoods when the kids are witnesses of verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse. The tensions and emotional turmoil in the home, even if the parents take great care not to argue in front of the children, are felt by everyone in the household. This can take its toll on the children and affect them even as adults.
What about the alternative to staying in a troubled marriage – divorce? Does divorce itself cause damage to the children, scarring them for life? Or could the cause of damage be the negative energy surrounding divorce – loud arguments, one parent disparaging the other in front of the children, adversarial and vindictive divorce proceedings, one parent preventing the other from seeing the children, etc.? Is there a way to change these dynamics involving children and divorce to prevent scarring and damage to them?
I would suggest that it isn’t the fact that the parents are divorced that causes the main problems for the children, but rather how things are handled before, during, and after the divorce. If there is a great deal of unresolved conflict going on between the parents, it is an unhealthy situation for the children. If kids are subjected to fighting before the divorce, bad-mouthing and name-calling of one or the other parent during the divorce, and continued conflicts after the divorce, it’s going to negatively affect them for a long time to come.
There is another way. If you are contemplating divorce, and both you and your spouse are willing to put aside vindictiveness and anger to focus on what is best for your children, it is possible to mitigate the affects of the divorce on the kids. The key is to see yourselves as a team cooperating for the benefit of your children. Work together to find ways to settle the divorce so that the children are well cared for and have access to both parents.
Cooperating to prevent emotional damage to your children during and after the divorce includes being very aware of how you talk to each other and about each other in front of the children. Avoid blaming and derogatory remarks. Be calm, civil, and polite. It is possible to divorce someone and still have an amicable, peaceful relationship with them.
If you are in an unhappy marriage and you’ve done all you could to try to save it but it just hasn’t worked, don’t be afraid of scarring your children if you do end up divorced. As long as you take the necessary steps to create a peaceful divorce, work on maintaining an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse, and continue to put the needs of your children first, they will not be scarred for life. They’ll be okay if you and your ex will strive to make that happen.
If you would like to learn how to achieve a peaceful, amicable divorce, I invite you to talk with one of our Divorce With Dignity divorce facilitators. Please visit our website to find a Divorce With Dignity professional near you. Our goal is to help you get through this difficult transition with the support you need to make sure all family members are taken care of. Children and divorce doesn’t have to be as traumatic a situation as one might think.
The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice. The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned. Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions.
