In today’s mobile society, where employment opportunities sometimes come with a relocation requirement, distance can make even amicable co-parenting problematic. What should parents do when one or the other must move to a different city, state, or even country? It’s fine to say, “the child’s needs come first,” but suppose a new job means a better chance to provide for the child?
Successful co-parenting across distances requires ex-spouses to put aside their differences and lingering animosities even more than an ordinary divorce. When the parenting plan involves different time zones and Zoom calls, parents must work together to ensure their children still have two involved, caring parents.
Challenges and Creative Solutions
If you know in advance that one of you will be moving out of the area, you can have your relocation plans included in your child custody and visitation agreement. If not, it’s essential that you contact the family court that handled your divorce and custody before anyone moves and starts shuttling the kids across state lines. Unlike other arrangements, child custody is subject to the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA). The UCCJEA prevents a non-custodial parent from taking children against the other parent’s will and fleeing to another state.
Even if you have a long-distance arrangement in place, it’s better to clear any out-of-state relocation with your judge before you move. This helps avoid any misunderstandings and confusion later.
Things to consider when setting up the co-parenting custody and visitation agreement:
- Location, location, location. The first thing to ask is how “long distance” is your long distance arrangement? Your co-parenting plan will differ if the parent is a few hours away by car, or a few hours away by plane.
- Ages and needs of the children. School-age children need to be in one location during the school year, so the primary custodial parent must be the one in or near their school district. A common visitation schedule lets children stay with the non-custodial parent during summers and holiday breaks, but this schedule might not work for infants and toddlers without careful planning.
- Travel plans and expenses must be part of your visitation schedule. Airlines may no longer accommodate children traveling alone, and you and your ex may not want younger children traveling alone even if they do. Who travels to pick up the children, and who covers the cost of the extra ticket must be part of your agreement.
Communication Between Children, Parents, and Ex-Spouses
None of this can happen in a vacuum. Even if your children are too young for much traveling, they must be able to see and speak with their other parent regularly. Long-distance parenting requires ex-spouses to communicate with each other, since only one spouse has regular contact with the child, and the other spouse must have regular updates on the child’s health and education.
For the Parent and the Child
Small children need routines. If you have toddlers and young children, set a time of day the “remote” parent will call (Skype, Zoom, Facetime). If the child is very young, the parent can do all the talking—nobody thinks that two- or three-year-olds will do much conversing on a Zoom call. Nor should parents expect it. Remote parents can use early chats to read a story or watch a short TV show with the child.
The custodial parent must assist by keeping that time open for the parent-child chat. It’s best to set the time later in the evening, with an eye to when the child is older and has afterschool commitments. Plan ahead and avoid friction in five years when the child has soccer or gymnastics and needs to postpone their phone call.
Set aside a full hour, even if it isn’t fully used at first. Again, think about later, when your child learns to talk on the phone and Zoom and can carry on a full conversation. The important thing for distance communication and children is to create a routine and keep it.
For the Parents
Unless the divorce involved allegations of abuse or sexual misconduct, all communications between the child and the “remote” parent should be private, unless the child requests otherwise. For very young children, the custodial parent may want to be in the room at first, just out of earshot, simply because very young children can’t manage tablets and computers alone.
The non-custodial parent still has a right to know about the children’s academic and athletic performance. Being away from the action, so to speak, does not give either parent carte blanche to stop being interested in the child’s activities. If the remote parent can participate in sports or school events via live stream, they should do so.
If you and your ex cannot communicate amicably about your child’s well-being, you should find a trusted go-between who can relay information. This is not an ideal option for anyone. Parents should never use the child as a go-between, as a spy, or as a sounding-board for their grievances against the other parent.
Things Nobody Thinks About
There are always things that neither you, your attorney, or the judge will think about when writing up your visitation and custody agreement. If you have a good mediator, they might come up with some of these issues, but nobody can think of everything. Be flexible no matter what is thrown your way.
- Teenagers. Someday, your sweet little children will be surly, moody teenagers. No matter how well you craft your visitation schedule, teenagers may not want to visit their remote parent, talk with them (or you), or anything else they’re supposed to do according to the divorce decree. Trying to make them is never a good idea.
- Boys and girls and moms and dads. Sometimes your male offspring may need to talk to their male parental figure, or your female child may want to speak with the female parental unit, even if it “isn’t time for them to call.” Amicable separations must allow for these sudden calls if you want your children to be happy. It usually has nothing to do with you.
- Do you need to talk with your ex? You and your ex will always be your children’s parents. Even if both of you remarry, you may need to consult with your children’s biological parent from time to time. Do not hesitate to do so.
Final Thoughts
At Divorce With Dignity, our Providers try to think of things that other attorneys and judges won’t think about when deciding when children visit the distant spouse and how long a Facetime call should be. Our attorneys, mediators, therapists, and others understand that not everything can be reduced to a strict legal agreement. Give us a call if you need to create or modify a custody agreement.
