We spoke with Sara about what it is like to work with a divorce coach, and some of our conversation can be found in a previous blog posting (Achieve A Peaceful Divorce, Create The Life You Want, http://dwdignity.com/blog/emotional-effects-of-divorce/achieve-a-peaceful-divorce-create-the-life-you-want/).   More of our conversation is addressed in this article.

What problems do you often see come up for people going through a divorce?

When you go through a divorce your identity has been irrevocably changed. People often feel “lost”. This is where my training as a coach comes in – I can help you get really clear about what makes you uniquely you – your values, feelings, how you want to be remembered when you’ve left this life.  It sounds simple, but it is actually complex. I can support you in identifying what you want in your life, and then challenge you to take the next step toward your goal.

Can you give a few gems of wisdom or advice to those who are feeling lost, or who may feel they have lost their identity as well as their marriage?

I’d like to start with a story about a king who commissioned a metal worker to create something that would make him feel sad when he was happy, and happy when he felt sad. So the worker made him a ring that was inscribed “This too shall pass.” Even though you may feel lost, you are never completely lost – you will find your way. When you look back on your life to other major traumas or setbacks you’ve had, you may be able to see the meaning or the purpose of it now. And remember you did find your way through it.

At Divorce With Dignity (findaprovider.dwdignity.com), we offer you a safe place for you to talk about your unique divorce situation, and can provide referrals to as many other kinds of assistance as you need to help you through this very difficult time. Our mission is to support you and guide you through the divorce maze to achieve a more peaceful and much less costly divorce than through litigation, and to make sure you have access to other services you may need to achieve your goals and start your new life – with dignity!

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

We asked one of our Divorce With Dignity referral associates, Marriage & Family Therapist Susan Regan, MFT (www.susanregan.org), to give us some insight on this topic.

How do you help people to decide if divorce is the right decision for them?

I talk with them about the history of their relationship and find out where they are stuck. Then I educate them about the different processes the person who is initiating the idea of divorce goes through as opposed to the recipient. Initiators are often in a very different place than the recipients. By the time they have notified their partners that they are thinking about divorce, they have gone through some of the grieving already and may have “moved on” emotionally. Recipients, on the other hand, tend to cycle through rejection and hope. Sometimes initiators will be friendly to the recipients and try to help them out. This can give the recipient the false hope that they may be getting back together. Initiators often react to this by becoming angry and mean toward their spouses, which causes the recipients to feel rejection again, and everyone just gets stuck. I help people identify this emotional cycling and teach them how to get out of it by responding instead of reacting, and learning to take care of themselves.

How does “couples therapy” help people to sort out their options and decide whether to try to work things out or end the relationship?

Every relationship has its challenges, and all have the potential for healing to happen. Couples who address their problems early on can conquer them and heal by finding new ways of negotiating and finding harmony. But if they ignore their problems for years and years and then come to therapy for one last-ditch effort, it is sometimes too late. If they decide they can’t stay together anymore, then I can help them learn how to leave each other in the most emotionally effective way.

If the decision is to start the divorce process, what advice can you give the couple about doing so in a peaceful manner?

This is where I use Divorce With Dignity (findaprovider.dwdignity.com) a lot. Clients can work with one of their providers to figure out what issues they agree on and what still needs resolving. There is usually one thing they don’t agree on that is really symbolic of what the relationship meant to them. Having a Divorce With Dignity professional to talk to helps them negotiate the practical aspects of the divorce agreement in a peaceful and fair way.

If you have decided that divorce is the right decision for you, Divorce With Dignity (findaprovider.dwdignity.com) can offer you a safe place to talk about your unique divorce situation.  We can help you achieve your divorce with the least amount of stress possible, while saving you a great deal of money over the litigation route. Let us help you get through this difficult time – with peace and dignity.

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

Resa, what financial issues do you often see arise when a couple is divorcing?

Obviously the primary problem is that the division of finances usually creates less for everybody. In these circumstances, people tend to go into denial and have either a lack of awareness about or are unable to get real clarity around the reality of their financial situation. If they can overcome this, it will allow them to see the problems and to make necessary changes.

How can a financial counselor help?

A financial coach/counselor can help the individual get real clarity around their finances. This is critical, as most people don’t have a real handle on their expenses or income. A coach can help clients look at underlying beliefs that drive their financial behavior. In a divorce, there are some fears that are very real, such as not having enough money to live on. But there are also some fears that are based on beliefs that are not necessarily true. For example, women are often given the message that they are not good with money, or that men will take care of them. So, they will often function this way, even though in reality they are quite capable of taking care of themselves. A financial coach can help them explore these unfounded beliefs, and can help them create strategies to correct imbalances.

How can emotions affect money issues?

It is critically important, and very difficult for people to do on their own, to think back to messages that were given to you in your life, and figure out how they are affecting your relationship to money today. A typical example would be a woman who grew up in a fairly wealthy environment and married someone who was also financially well-off. She never had to worry about money, and when she got divorced, she still had the belief that money will always be there. So she continued to shop and buy what she wanted, and was getting herself into increasing debt until she was able explore her underlying attitudes. Once she did this, she was able to change her belief and get out of debt.

What advice do you have for the newly-divorced who are starting a new life with perhaps less money than they had when they were married?

First and foremost – get clarity about how much you really need and how much money will be coming in. Get clear on the difference between needs and wants. It’s easy to be in denial about this and get paralyzed. If you get stuck thinking “this is the way it was” or “this is the way it should be”, you will have problems. You need to be very open to being creative about fulfilling your financial needs. Some of the changes you have to make will put you into some level of discomfort. But don’t be afraid of this, as it will help you grow.

At Divorce With Dignity, we take a holistic approach to divorce, and understand that people often need services in addition to the divorce legal services we provide. Let us help you get through your divorce in a way that is tailored to your unique situation – with dignity! Contact us at findaprovider.dwdignity.com to find out how we can help.

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

We spoke with one of our past clients who we’ll call “Claire” (not her real name), and asked her to tell us how it felt for her and her ex-husband to start and get through their divorce with dignity process, allowing each of them to get their needs taken care of and  move on to their “new beginnings”.

Claire was referred to Divorce With Dignity (findaprovider.dwdignity.com) by a friend who had been assisted by us and had been very pleased with the results. She also liked that Divorce With Dignity is community-based, not based on conflict, and could help her achieve her divorce at a reasonable cost.

In this process, she found a few things that surprised her. When she and her husband met with their Divorce With Dignity provider to discuss what issues needed to be resolved, she told them that they were “in throwing distance” of what they each wanted.

“She explained that we could try to work things out in her office, or she would refer them to a mediator for the issues that were still unresolved, or as a last resort they would have to go the more costly and antagonistic litigation route. She also mentioned that she had worked with people who were much further apart than we were on the issues, and she was still able to get them to work things out. That really surprised us and made us realize we could do that, too. She emphasized what was agreed on instead of what was not agreed on. Based on that, we felt more comfortable moving forward.”

They also found the Divorce With Dignity approach surprising. “I expected to spend thousands and thousands of dollars, and that I would be totally burned. Instead, I found a sense of fairness. My husband thought he would ‘get screwed’, but that wasn’t the case. Our provider helped us get in touch with our values and helped us work things out in a way that was fair to both of us.”

One more thing took them by surprise. “I had been to a divorce attorney who told me it would take a minimum of a year to do the divorce. But with Divorce With Dignity, it only took about five months from start to finish.”

When asked if she would recommend Divorce With Dignity to someone considering divorce she answered, “Yes, and I actually have referred a lot of people. It’s an ethical service, unlike most services which are based on profit and have no vested interest in your coming to an agreement that is best for you.”

If you would like to learn more about achieving a cooperative and peaceful divorce, please contact us at findaprovider.dwdignity.com. Getting a divorce doesn’t have to cost you lots of time and money. Let us help you get through your divorce – with dignity!

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

But if you are sure that divorce is really what you want, and you want to achieve a divorce with dignity, then we can help. Divorce With Dignity (www.dwdignity.com) takes a very different approach to the divorce process than the traditional court litigation system. Our goal is to guide you through the divorce process maze, helping you obtain a divorce in the most peaceful, cooperative, and cost-effective way possible.

In preparing for a divorce, we recommend the following steps –

1. Get your paperwork together. Don’t worry if you can’t gather everything right away; just get what you can to help you with step 2. Start with finding your latest tax statement, and creating a record of your assets and debts (bank accounts, loans, credit cards, mortgages, investments, properties, etc.).
2. Figure out what you will need in terms of assets and support from the marriage settlement. Think about both the most you would want and your bottom line – you will probably end up somewhere in the middle. Develop a proposed budget as to what you’ll need to live on after the divorce. Engage the help of a financial professional if you need help with this (we can provide you with referrals for this and other kinds of assistance (findaprovider.dwdignity.com)). If finances are limited, it is definitely to your advantage to avoid litigation. We can help you obtain your divorce with a lot less cost as well as less stress.
3. Talk with your spouse. Does he/she also want the divorce? If you both feel that divorce is the best solution, and you are both willing to cooperate to work through the divorce process amicably, then you should start talking about the following issues –
• Living arrangements
• Children (how to tell them, parenting plan, visitation, etc.)
• Finances
• Child support
• Alimony / spousal support
• Property
4. Develop your divorce support team. During your discussions on the above topics, you may find that you both are in agreement on everything, or that there are some issues that need to be worked out. You may also discover that there are areas in which you need some support or counseling. When you work with Divorce With Dignity (findaprovider.dwdignity.com), we offer a safe place for you to discuss these issues, plan for your divorce, and get referrals for any type of assistance you may need to get you through this. This could include mediators, legal support, emotional support, financial counseling, life coaching, support for your children, referrals for moving companies, and more. We also help you file the divorce papers.

Starting to prepare for a divorce can be a daunting task. Let us help you through it – with dignity!

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

Sara Crain, Psychotherapist (www.bayareashrink.com) and Law of Attraction Coach (www.myloacoach.com), is one of our Divorce With Dignity affiliates. Her goal is to help her clients navigate transitions, and discover their true, authentic selves so they can live happier, more fulfilling lives. We asked Sara to give us some pointers on how to achieve a peaceful divorce and create the life you want after the divorce.

How can a therapist / life coach help someone who is going through a difficult divorce?

Divorce can be an incredibly wrenching experience, and in such a tremendous transition, it is important to have someone who can support you as all sorts of memories and feelings come up. This could be a family member, a friend, or a therapist. You need someone “in your corner” who can support you in being clear about who you want to be and how you want to handle yourself – and how to embody that to be true to yourself.

At Divorce With Dignity, our mission is to help people achieve a peaceful divorce (findaprovider.dwdignity.com). What are some things a person can do to try to work out a divorce settlement in a peaceful manner?

The biggest challenge is putting aside negative feelings. Remember the values you hold dear and stay true to those values. Avoid acting out of the raw pain, and choose your behavior mindfully. You cannot control how your spouse behaves, but you can control your behavior and stay true to yourself.

One method I would teach is guided imagery and meditation to generate a peaceful frame of mind and create a sense of positive and even enthusiastic expectancy of a harmonious and beneficial result. I would also suggest another technique, which is to imagine yourself five or ten years from now, in the ideal future you would make for yourself. Get really, really familiar with who that person is. Imagine how you will feel and think, and then imagine how your future self would advise the “you” today.

How can you help people after the divorce to rebuild their lives?

I can help you get really clear about what makes you “uniquely you”, and then identify what you want and the steps to move toward it. After divorce you may have totally new issues to deal with, such as co-parenting with your ex, and dating again. It’s important to find someone who can not only help you deal with the crisis of the moment, but also help you to see the bigger picture.

All the providers in our Divorce With Dignity Network are committed to helping people get through divorce with dignity and peace. One of the many ways we can help you is to provide referrals to service professionals that you may need based on your unique situation. To find a provider near you, please visit us at findaprovider.dwdignity.com.

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

Carol wasn’t sure what to do when she found out that her husband wanted to call it quits. It was really hard to come to terms with the fact that she was going to be alone after 22 years of marriage. She knew about Divorce With Dignity and decided to come in to talk about what would be best for her to do.

Although their relationship had changed, neither she nor her husband was ready for a divorce. In addition, they still owned a house together that they didn’t want to lose. After considering divorce and all its ramifications, they decided that a legal separation would be the best way to go.

I asked Carol how her Divorce With Dignity provider helped them to make this decision. She told me that the provider was able to lay out the options in a practical, non-emotional way. “When you take the emotion out of it, what you are left with is just the situation,” she explained. This helped both Carol and her spouse to feel at ease, and they were able to understand how a legal separation would be in both their best interests.

Carol acknowledges that at first she was in such an emotional state that she wasn’t thinking clearly. But her provider “sat me down in a non-threatening environment and explained how things work”. At the end, “you have this wonderful feeling, in spite of everything else, that everything is going to work out for you, and you can relax and get on with your life”.

Another thing that made both Carol and her husband happy in this process was the cost factor. There is a huge difference in the amount of money you pay to work with a legal services provider rather than a divorce attorney.

If you are struggling with the decision to divorce or legally separate, let Divorce With Dignity guide you through the maze and help you part without litigation and save thousands of dollars in the process.  We can help you get through this – with peace and dignity. To find a provider in your area, visit us at findaprovider.dwdignity.com.

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

So what can you do to cast off these gloomy feelings when you look at everyone else and the media who are telling us we should be celebrating with someone special?

Spend it with someone special!  Whether it be with your children, your single friends, or even yourself. Love has many aspects besides romantic love. Why should going through a divorce keep you from celebrating all the love you still have in your life? You can celebrate Love any way you want to!

Celebrate with your children and/or other family members

Yes, you are divorcing your spouse, but you still have a family.

• Plan some fun time with your kids. Bake a cake together and decorate it with little red hearts. Make some homemade valentines. Watch a comedy and laugh your heads off.
• Get together with other family members who live nearby and may not be planning a “romantic” dinner date (not everyone does, you know). Make it a potluck and during dinner have each person at the table tell what they love about the person sitting to their left. Afterward, play some games or watch a classic movie.

Celebrate with your friends

• Call up some of your single friends and plan a dinner out. Or if you live fairly close to each other, have a progressive dinner party. If you’re feeling adventurous, have everyone bring a friend and meet some new people.

Celebrate with others as a volunteer

• Sometimes doing something to cheer up others can have the same effect on you. You can volunteer to help with a party at a senior center, hospital, or homeless shelter, or just visit with some of the people there with valentines and balloons in hand.

Celebrate with yourself

• Make time to pamper yourself and do what makes you happy. Schedule a massage or a spa day. Take a walk in a beautiful nature area. Explore a good bookstore and spend some time reading in a cozy coffee house. Taking care of yourself and doing something that makes you feel nurtured is a great way to show love for yourself.

There are many ways to make things a little easier while going through (or right after) a divorce, but for some people it may not be enough to chase away the sadness and oppressive negative emotions. If you find yourself in this category, consider talking with a counselor. At Divorce With Dignity, we not only help you get through the process of divorce, we can refer you to a therapist who specializes in helping people deal with the emotional effects of divorce, or to a life-after-divorce coach who can help you discover how to create a new and better life. Contact us today (findaprovider.dwdignity.com) to see how we can help you on your journey through the divorce maze – with peace and dignity.

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

Photo credits

“Divorcing with dignity” may seem like an impossible challenge for some divorcing couples, but if both parties are willing set aside negative emotions and blame, and move forward to work things out cooperatively and fairly, the results will be well worth it – both for them and for their children. Heidi and Seal seem to understand and embrace this concept.

On January 22 they made the announcement, “While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul searching we have decided to separate.” They state that they still have deep respect and love for one another, but they have grown apart.

“This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition.”

Refreshingly, they are not bashing or trashing each other in the media as many famous divorcing couples do. On the contrary – Seal recently appeared on The Ellen Degeneres Show and told viewers that Heidi is the “most wonderful woman in the world” and that they intend to “remain civil and do this thing with dignity”. An amicable divorce not only shows love and respect for each other, it also shows concern for their four children.

Even if a divorcing couple is not able to feel a great deal of love and admiration for each other, they can still remain civil and strive for a relatively peaceful divorce. Going through an ugly and bitter litigated divorce would clearly not bring peace to the process. A better way is to avoid divorce court and work out a divorce settlement with a divorce support specialist or a mediator. At Divorce With Dignity (findaprovider.dwdignity.com), we offer a safe place to talk about your divorce, help in identifying points of agreement and disagreement, guidance through the divorce maze, and unlimited referrals to specialized support to help you through the various phases of the process. We give you the information you need to make the decisions that will help you get through this difficult time and build your new life.

Weighing the advantages of a mediated divorce compared to a litigated divorce may convince both parties that it is worth the effort. Some of our previous blog postings have described these advantages in detail, but here’s a short summary –

• Less expensive
• Faster
• You have more control
• The agreement can be more flexible
• Less likely to need settlement modifications
• More confidentiality
• Less stressful
• Easier on children

If you have made the decision to divorce, and want to make it as peaceful a process as possible, Divorce With Dignity can help. Visit us at findaprovider.dwdignity.com to find a Divorce With Dignity provider in your area. Let us help you achieve a peaceful divorce – with dignity!

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions

Many people who have made the decision to divorce make the mistake of immediately hiring a divorce lawyer and having papers served on their spouse to begin court proceedings. I’m sure most of them think this is just how it’s done. But there are much better options.

Before doing anything else, you need to get information and come up with a divorce plan. Try to find a divorce planning and facilitation service (like Divorce With Dignity – www.dwdignity.com) that can provide the information you need to make the best decisions.  We offer you a safe, neutral place to talk about divorce and help you plan yours to create your optimal future and get through the divorce process with the least amount of stress possible.

Every divorce is unique, so we work with you to find the best solutions for your particular situation. We can help you figure out –

• How the legal system works in your state
• The amount of money you’ll need to get a divorce and maintain a decent standard of living after the divorce
• The issues you and your spouse might agree on, the issues you are not in agreement on, and the best way to come to an agreement on the matters of contention
• Resources you may need to help you and your family through the divorce process and its effects
• How to make your divorce as peaceful as possible

We’ll guide you through the divorce maze, coach you on how to communicate with divorce attorneys, mediators, etc., and provide unlimited referrals based on your needs. We can help you prepare and file the necessary legal documents, and show you how to get your divorce without going through litigation. Choosing alternative methods of conflict resolution (if both parties are willing) will reduce the time, expense, stress, and animosity associated with a litigated divorce.

Most of us in the Divorce With Dignity Network have been through a divorce ourselves, so we know what you’re going through and empathize with your needs. We’ve helped scores of people to obtain fast and easy divorces without all the costly court battles and bitter disputes. Our mission is to help you plan and achieve a divorce that is fair and affordable, and to make sure you and your children get all the help you deserve to make it through this difficult time in a way that maintains your self-respect and dignity.

Contact us today (findaprovider.dwdignity.com) and speak with a Divorce With Dignity provider about how we can help you get through your divorce – with dignity!

The author of this blog is not an attorney and the information contained in these blogs should not be considered legal advice.  The information provided here is based on the experience of the author and some of her clients whose actual names are not mentioned.  Do not hesitate to seek the advice of an attorney if you have any legal questions